October 3rd Saturday.

"I hope I live, before I die"

This isn't living, im in survival mode. Everyday is a battle with my own mind. Wanting to die, but also wanting to live for my living children. Ive been dealt a really shit hand in life. Its been death after death after death. Ive lost so many people within the last 6 years. So many friends gone forever. My father and my son gone forever. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? I must of been really bad in a past life..

Apparently you keep coming back until youve learnt your lessons in life, i think this may be my last time on earth because by God have I learnt alot.

I say it everyday, but I miss my dad and my son so much. Living without them is killing me slowly. The heartache I feel everyday is horrible. What id give to have just one more day with them both. Life is cruel..

If I hadnt got Jesse to look after and animals to feed, I swear id just rot in bed. I wouldnt bother with life. 

The ONLY reason im still here, is because my kids need me.

Jasper didn't come across last night, he said he was struggling mentally. I messaged him to say im always here if you ever want to talk and I said always remember I love you. I feel so sorry for my boys. Some times I forget that they've lost a grandad and brother and are going through what im going through. I get so lost in my own grief and depression, that I forget that they're suffering too.

Ive got up this morning, stripped my bedding, cleaned my bedroom, cleaned the bathroom and now im sat watching a new drama on itvx called Winter. If you wanted something to watch, its good. I need to shower and wash my hair, but that can be a tomorrow job. I keep looking at pixie cuts for my hair. Would he so much easier to wash and dry, but then when I actually get round to doing my hair, I like it long. I dont know what to do.

My cat still keeps hissing and howling at my dog, hes not so bad with us now, its just puggy he doesnt like. I walk around my house with a water spray bottle because im scared he'll hiss at me. Hes scared the shit out of me. Im hoping hes ok come Monday or I wont dare leave them alone when I do the school run.

That's my day anyway.