October 10th Saturday.

I still remember holding my dads hand as he took his last breath. He inhaled and his exhale was so slow and long, and then he was gone. I remember crying out loud shouting 'dad dad'. I was a mess. I stayed with my dad in hospital for the two nights he was in there. I didn't leave his bedside day and night. When everyone left after visiting, it was just me and my dad. I slept leant over his bed whilst my body was on a chair, if you get what I mean. I loved that man so much and I still do.

I remember when the policeman told me they'd found my son dead and I just kept saying'it can't be my son'. My hands trembling as i tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember Damian answering the phone and I told him his son was dead. Ive never seen Damian get to my house as fast as he did. I miss my baby boy so much, its killing me.

Today I have all of this going around in my head. They call it PTSD.

I just want to end my life, im so done with living. Im in so much pain mentally. Im numb to everything around me. Nothing bothers me anymore, I just dont care about anything. 

I think losing my dad and son has made me so numb to life, but also made me a stronger person too. I mean, ive got to have some strength to keep going and to stay sober..

I say it all the time, but honestly if I didn't have my other children to keep me going id be dead already. Its amazing the strength you get from your children it really is.

Today im not doing anything, I didn't get out of bed till 11am and i already can't wait go back bed and sleep my life away. 

Jasper isn't coming today, hes going watch Man United play with Damian. So ill go up bed early and watch tv in bed.

Told my friends ill have a catch up with them all tomorrow, I dont feel like it, but ill force myself because I know i need to.

Im just going to lie on the settee today and watch The Mentalist on Netflix. 

My heart isn't in living. I dont care if I live or die. Ive lost myself and I think ill be lost forever...