October 25th Sunday.

I dont think people really understand the depth of grief until you lose a parent or child, or in my case both. When I say it hurts, I mean, I can feel it in my bones. My heart feels heavy in my chest. Im constantly tired, im tired of fighting everyday to survive. Its me versus me everyday. Add depression into the mix and its exhausting. Wanting to die, whilst wanting to live for my living children. Torn between two worlds, the living and the dead. The heartache I carry with me everyday is draining, some times, debilitating. There are days that I dont leave the house because of anxiety, and I try my best to push through. I have days where I want to slice through my wrists, just to feel something, but I dont because I dont want Jesse to see blood dripping from my arms. I cancel plans all the time because I prefer to suffer alone. My misery doesnt like company. I take enough medication a day that you'd think id be on cloud nine, but the truth is, all that medication does is keep my head above water. I have enough medication in my house to easily overdose, but then my kids would have to find my dead body lying in bed and I just can't do that to them, as much as id like to. The hurt I feel is on a different level. Grief flows through my veins, its killing me inside. Im convinced i will die of a broken heart, im just not sure when, either that or suicide will take me. I long to see my father and son again. Jay-Dee was in my dreams last night, I dont remember the dream, I just know he was there and then I woke up.. 

Im living a nightmare no parent should ever have to live.