October 9th Friday.

Jesse has finally done a full week at school. Feeling proud of myself for forcing myself to get my arse out of bed every morning for a full week. Can't wait for a lie in tomorrow. 

I'd say I feel deflated today, but ive felt like this since my dad passed away. 6 years next month since he died. Ive been suffering for nearly 6 years.

So much has happened since he passed away. I had cancer 6 months after he died. Can you imagine that? Dad dies of cancer and 6 months after you have cancer. It broke me. Honestly thought I was going to die of cancer like my dad did. 

Dad's partner, Sharon died. My step mum. She was only 52 years old. My dad was 55 years old. I had a breakdown after I went sober, and my son died.

How im still standing I will never know.

Ive only been the cafe a couple of times this week, Jesse takes himself so I dont see the point in me going everyday. Can't be bothered with the small talk and the fake smiles I have to wear.

I am so fucking depressed. 

Im so tired of getting up everyday and battling through each day to stay alive. I know one day it will all be over and ill be reunited with my father and son.

Jasper didn't come yesterday, he spent the day in bed. Hes struggling with his mental health. I feel so sad for my boys. They lost their big brother. Its got to be just as hard for them as it is for me. Hope he comes across today because I miss him.

Jesse and I went up bed yesterday at 7pm. I watched a movie on my tablet and Jesse played on his ps5 till half 9. Think we were asleep for 10pm. I have to go sleep early through the week or I can't get up in the morning.

Im walking around everyday with a broken heart. You wouldnt know to look at me because I wear a fake smile when im around people. Its tiring. 

I could cry. I just miss my dad and my son so much, its killing me inside. 

You're probably thinking, surely i should be feeling better by now seen as its nearly 6 years for dad, but im not. It hurts just as much as it did the day my father passed away. To then lose a child. Oh its completely fucked my head up. I dont know how you come back from losing a parent and child. I dont know how to live my life without them.

Grief and depression are killing me slowly.