October 21st Wednesday.

Just sat thinking about my old life, the one I had before my dad passed away. I was out all the time, drinking everyday, crying, fighting, cutting my wrists, and everything changed the day my dad passed away.

Now im quiet, reserved, loving, sober, im more present as a parent and my life is peaceful. I say i love you to the people I love everyday. Losing my dad and my son and having cancer really changed the way I live my life. These tragic events that have happened scared me that much that I turned my life around for the better.

Im sober, nearly 5 years sober. Yes I have suicidal ideation most days, but im not slicing through my wrists anymore, im not spending 24 hours in police custody. My life might seem boring some times to me, but im doing better than I was when I was a drunk.

Those 3 tragic events have changed my life forever. 

Mentally ive been doing ok for a few days now, I feel sad, but im doing ok. I miss my dad and son so much, my heart aches for them. Next month will be 6 years since I lost my best friend to Esophageal Cancer. Im honestly not sure how ive made it to today because its just been tragedy after tragedy. 

Im broken, but im also blessed.

I have faith now, I believe that God has a plan for me and thats why im still here. 

I believe I will see my dad and son again one day, but I know i can't go just yet, my boys need their mum.

Ive become so numb to the way I feel, grief has overwhelmed my body that much that I dont even cry. Im quiet, I sit with my feelings and I just wonder how im still alive..