October 7th Wednesday.

Sat in the cafe this morning feeling very deflated, but I smiled when anyone spoke to me, I agreed when things were said, but I wasn't fully there. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere. Grief is heavy today. I miss my dad and son so much. I could cry. Life was never meant to be this way. I feel so sad inside, i have a couple of "better" days, then boom, grief hits me like a brick. Im tired, im so tired of pretending that im ok. People haven't got a clue what im going through mentally. Im drowning, even on them better days im still drowning. My head is literally above water. 

My body feels heavy, like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart aches inside my body. I just want to sleep my days away, but I have to be a mum. Ive got cook a spag bol for tea and ive got no energy, but ill cook it because im a mum and my kids need feeding.

Im just so fed up of living this life. I looked at my medication earlier as I took my morning meds and I have enough medication to kill me.. 

I just can't leave my kids with no mum, it would destroy them. 

My friend took me Asda this morning and dropped me back at home, which im grateful for. Jesse has got a bad cough and the one thing he asked me for was throat sweets and I forgot them. So ive just done an Uber delivery for throat sweets because I didn't want to let him down. Thats what mum's do.

My sons are my reason to keep going. As much as I want to die, I know i can't because I have little humans that need me.