October 22nd Thursday.

I have 2 urns sitting on a shelf in my living room and every time I look at them, my heart breaks over and over again. Im thankful I get to keep my dad and son at home with me because it does bring me some comfort, but it still hurts when I look at them both in wooden boxes.

I feel so sad today, I miss them both so much.

I spent the last few days with my dad before he died at his bed side, morning and night. I never left his side. I hope he knows I stayed with him. I slept on a chair with my head on his bed with him. God I miss my dad so much.

I never got to be with my son before he died and that kills me inside. I feel guilt that he died on his own and I couldnt save him. I miss you Jay-Dee. 

My heart aches today and grief is heavy.

I need to pull myself together and snap out of how im feeling.

Jesse has broke up today for a week, a nice week of lie ins.

Tomorrow im going to force myself to shower and wash my hair. Its been about 2 weeks since I washed it and you could cook chips in it thats how greasy it is.

I dreamt last night that I cut all of my hair off, the night before I dreamt a wasp came out of my big toe. Weird.

Im so tired today, if I could id just sleep my life away. Can't complain really because ive had a few days where ive felt better, so a sad day is expected I guess.

I made a lobby yesterday in my slow cooker so been eating that all day. My slow cooker is massive so its fed everyone. It was lovely.

Im still watching The Mentalist on Netflix, its really good and thats how my days gone. Definitely showering tomorrow..