October 8th Thursday.

Didn't go cafe this morning, not left the house today. Im lucky really that Jesse bikes to school and back independently, he has his own cash card which I put money on so he can buy himself snacks from the cafe. Im just not feeling life today.

Jay-Dees canvas came earlier, which ive put up in my living room. I'll put the pic at the end. Broke my heart, im so heartbroken. 

I was just sat thinking of everyone ive lost within the past 6 years and there's so many people gone who I loved.

Alot of dads friends have passed away, who were my friends too. Life is just so cruel.

I can't keep living like this, i need a break from life.

Im sick of waking up in the morning and trying to pretend that im ok. Im sick of taking medication just to get through each day. 

I need to find myself. Im so lost.

My friends asked if we were meeting up tonight for a catch up, and ive declined. Just not in the mood for small talk and a fake smile. No thanks, I'll stay at home and be miserable by myself. My misery doesnt like company. 

Saw a post on Facebook earlier that said 11 Fridays till Christmas, and I thought to myself, fuck off. Not brought a single thing. Jesse wants a new bike which ive saved £200 for. Hes put £100 worth of bike accessories in my Amazon basket, bless him haha. Christmas is just money. 

I do enjoy a Christmas dinner though, I make loads of food for Christmas day. My brother always comes for his dinner too.

Not the same without my dad and son here, I dont get excited anymore. I try my best for Jesse. Damian brought me a Christmas tree last Christmas because id binned mine and didn't want to put one up. He said i had to for Jesse. To be fair it made me smile when it was up and lit up at night. 

My heart isn't in anything anymore. I honestly feel dead inside. Im here in body, but my mind is elsewhere. .