Cancer, Depression and Me.

First of all, im 3 weeks off the weed. Go me! Feel so much better in myself. Anyway, we all know it was date day today. All morning I thought to myself im not going go, I wasn't sure if i was ready and it was just me doubting myself. Wondering if im worthy enough to even go on a date. I know ive already been on a date with Natalie, but this time it was at her home and she was cooking for me. I thought to myself, what have I got to lose, so I went on my date. Its been a long time since ive laughed and she had me laughing so much. She set the table for us to eat at, yes I was nervous about eating infront of her, but I was fine. She cooked steak, chips, onion rings, peas and pepper corn sauce. It was lovely. I asked if I could help with the dishes and she said no. Honestly, I had a really nice time with her. Weve been having something do with each other for 8 weeks, so today we went in a relationship with each other on Facebook. That's when you know its official haha. But seriousl...

Showered, washed my hair, blow dried and straightened it ready for my dinner date tomorrow. Honestly, how ive not shaved my hair off yet is a miracle. I absolutely hate doing my hair. Wouldn't of even bothered washing it if I wasn't meeting Natalie tomorrow. Hate it!! I only wash it once a week and thats too much if you ask me. Im dead nervous about going Natalie's tomorrow. She has an open plan kitchen she said, so ill be able see everything shes doing. Some times I think its easier being on my own. That way I can just let myself go haha. Hate having to make an effort. Life's tiring. Anyway, my hair is done. Its below my bra strap fastening, its gotten so long. Love it when its done, but HATE doing it. Slept in till half 10 this morning, didn't even want to get up. My bed was so comfy. I dont feel too bad today, got my mate coming for a cuppa soon. Who am I kidding, I dont feel too bad haha im fucking depressed as shit. Have to force myself to get out of bed. God h...

I remember crying in my dreams last night as I sat beside my dad's hospital bed as he was dying. I hate these type of dreams. I dont want to relive my dad's death, but i do. I relive it when im awake and when im asleep. Its cruel. God I miss that man so much. I relive my sons death, even though I wasn't there, I read the coroners report and I know how he died, what injuries he had, how he landed. I know everything and its a fucking living nightmare. Ill never know why my son killed himself and thats torture. I never got to say goodbye and that kills me. When I dream about my dad and son, it really affects me when I wake up. I already know im going to have a shitty day and its only 11:17am. Ive just stripped my bedding because my new coverless duvet has arrived. Got no plans for today. Its take away night tonight, so we're getting a Domino's pizza. One more lie in and then its back to the school run. This last week has flown by. I feel like shit today and i know its ...

Dad visited me in my dreams last night, then i woke up..  love it when i dream about my dad and son, but I absolutely hate waking up. Got YouTube on the tv playing music and just as ive started to write this blog, dad's funeral song has just played, Burning Love by Elvis Presley. If thats not a sign then I dont know what is.  Do you see Angel Numbers? Ive been seeing them all through the day and night for years. Some times I think i might be going crazy, but seeing them gives me reassurance. Honestly, i fucking hate being mentally unwell. Dusted my living room and Jay-Dees urn. Just breaks my heart having his ashes infront of my fire, but saying that, I wouldnt want him anywhere else. Hes safe with me and so is my dad. Hes in my bedroom. Kills me everyday, but im glad they're both with me, brings me a bit of comfort. Its just hard seeing your dad and son in an urn everyday. My heart aches today. I love going asleep early because I know there's always a chance ill see my fat...

Not done anything today, been in my pjs all day and had a lazy day. Jesse didn't get back from Alton Towers until tea time, so ive enjoyed the peace and quiet. Dont feel too bad today. Cooked a chicken, so we had stuffing and chicken sandwiches for tea. Its nearly bedtime thank god. Can't wait go sleep. Done nothing but yawn all day today. My brother is coming tomorrow after work for a few hours, so that'll break my day up. Im going Natalie's Monday day time for a meal shes cooking me. Heads still fucked up, but im just going to go with the flow. Don't know what I want out of life. Living is hard work and it shouldn't be. Life shouldn't be this hard. My roots need doing, my hairs a mess, which then makes me feel a mess. Jasper stayed over last night so ive had his company all day. Hes still here now, but hes going soon and then im getting into bed. Love having my boys around me. I dont want them grow up. Love my boys more than anything in the world. They kee...

Its 9.20am, I was up at 8am getting Jesse ready for his sleepover at Alton Towers. He went at 9am, so hes got a full day on the rides and a sleepover there. He was so excited bless him. Ive just made myself a cup of tea and its so peaceful. Im going see my friends at dinner time, then out for tea with Jasper and Jensen later. Going be nice spend time with my older boys. Think we're going for a Toby Carvery. Yum! Just wish Jay-Dee was here to come with us. Makes me sad inside. Miss my dad and son so much. I was going go back bed when Jesse went, but im wide awake now. Ive got a psychiatrist appointment next month and im going tell her how depressed I am and how I think about killing myself often. My mental health is so shit. Anyway, a whole day and night to myself, ive done my dishes, I have no washing to do, so thats good. Im just going enjoy my peace and quiet. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't mentally unwell. I'd love to be able enjoy life and do things ...

Feel alot better today, mentally. Thank god. The past few days have been horrible. Thank god I dont give in to intrusive thoughts. It worries me though, because one day I might end up killing myself, but for now, im ok. Ive been the shops with Jensen. Had a new thermostat fitted this morning, its digital now, whereas it was a dial before. I know you probably dont give a shit, but that was my morning. Slept better last night, the night before I had no sleep. Just couldnt switch off at all. Took my morning meds because I clearly need them. Why I would just stop, I dont know. Anyway, im medicated and im feeling ok. Natalie has been messaging me, asking me to not give up on her and how sorry she is. I just think I prefer being on my own. Life's easier single thats for sure. I dont know what im going do. I just can't be bothered with a relationship. My mental health is shit, how am I meant to make someone else happy, when im not happy myself. Told her I have EUPD, its like banging m...

Went see my friends yesterday and broke down crying. Ive had no sleep, couldn't switch off at all. Ive seen every hour on the clock. Ive broken it off with Natalie. I was having such a bad day yesterday and all she said was ill speak to you tomorrow, on about today, or Tuesday. Fuck off! Needed support not the silent treatment. Cba with it. Don't know why I couldnt switch off last night. I feel like shit today. As for Natalie, im just not mentally well enough to be with someone. I hate how I am. I hate being alive. I hate struggling with my mental health. When am I going to get better? Ive taken my medication this morning, its got to be the reason i haven't slept, because i didn't take them yesterday. Why is my life such hard work? Im so fucking tired of being alive. Life shouldn't be this much hard work surely. Im so fucking drained by life. Im having another shit day arent I? I could just cry! Ive got Natalie saying she loves me. Get a fucking grip! Weve only been...

Had crazy dreams last night and one of them dreams I was shopping with Jay-Dee, buying him new clothes and shoes.. then I fucking woke up!! I could cry. I miss my baby so much. Im crying now. Didn't think I could cry anymore, but here I am crying. I just want my son back, I want my dad back. I hate my life. I hate being alive. Today is going to be a shit day. Absolutely loved dreaming of my child and then I had to wake up. I keep thinking what if this life is all a dream and then when we die we wake up? Makes you think doesnt it. Ive got no energy today. I need to shower and wash my hair, but I wish id of just died in my sleep. I hate life today. Dreaming of my child has just set me back. Had such a good day yesterday and today im crying over a dream. Due know why im crying? It's because ive stopped taking my morning medication. 375mg of Venlafexine I take in the morning and I stopped a few days ago. Sick of feeling nothing. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, but im just desperat...

So today ive had a card and my favourite flowers delivered. Roses and Lillie's. Ill post a pic at the end of this blog. Its been years since ive had anything for Valentines Day, so its been so nice. I feel loved. Its about time someone made me happy. Ive had my friend here for hours, she was here that long we drank 4 cups of tea each haha. Its been nice have a catch up with her. My day has been lovely. Waiting for Jasper to come and we're getting pizza for tea. I wished my boys a happy Valentines day this morning and told them how much I love them. Life's too short to not tell someone you love them. Since my dad passed away and then Jay-Dee, its made me realise how precious life is. Today im grateful im alive. Love my boys more than life itself. Im hoping things work out with me and Natalie. It would be nice to feel happiness. You never know, this could be my year where everything works out for me. Mental health is still shit, but I have a smile on my face today. When the d...

Natalie said ive got something being delivered tomorrow for Valentines Day, not going lie, im a bit excited. You know what? I really deserve this happiness. Ive waited and prayed for so long, I deserve to be happy. Don't get me wrong, im depressed as fuck, but shes making my days a bit brighter and thats the main thing isn't it? Let's hope it works out. Im not rushing anything, what will be, will be. She's been shopping and brought me my favourite chocolates, Gullian Seashells to give me Monday on our date. She's ticking all the right boxes haha. Been out today to buy a vape, its harder than I thought to quit. At least ive quit the weed, thats the main thing. Took Jesse get a haircut and went the oatcake shop for fresh oatcakes for tea. Back in my pjs now. Natalie makes me smile, I just hope things work out between us. We're just taking things slowly. 11 days weed free and i feel so much better for it. Im cooking more now im not stoned all the time, and im more ...

Feel a bit shitty today. I look at myself and i just see an ugly person. Im 10 days off the weed and ive gained 2lb! How the fuck does that work? Ive been eating way less than I usually do, so how the fuck have I gained weight?? Crazy. Im going try doing a calorie deficit diet from Monday. Can't start a diet half way through the week. Diets always start on a Monday haha. Just dusted my fireplace and told my son i miss him as I was dusting his urn. Ever likely I feel a bit deflated. Told my dad I miss him too. If people could see me talking to the dead they'd think I was crazy. I talk to them both everyday. I tell them my problems because in my heart, I know they can hear me. My heart aches. God I miss them both so much. 55 and 21. No age to die. Jesse breaks up today, thank god. I need sleep. I keep waking up after 11pm thinking its morning. I woke up last night telling Jesse to take his coat off. God knows why. He was fast asleep and I woke him up telling him to take his coat ...

9 days off the weed. I miss it some times, but ill be £120 a month better off. My vape has nearly run out and i plan on quitting that tomorrow too. That's another £80 a month better off ill be. £200 a month on smoking is crazy so I need to quit. Im a strong woman ill do it. If I can do over 4 years with no alcohol, Im capable of anything. Cooked pork chops for tea and I just didn't like it. Don't like meat on the bone. Saying that, there was hardly any meat on them. They were tiny little chops. Waste of money. Ill stick to my pork loin steaks I buy. I slow cook them in gravy and they go lovely. Last night's tea was lovely. Homemade lasagne and fresh veg. I love cooking for my kids. Knowing they enjoy what I cook warms my heart. I love being a mum. I was so blessed to of birthed 4 boys. Don't feel too bad today, mentally speaking. Im doing ok. I have bad days and I have better days. Its just the way my life is going to be. Its the suicidal thoughts I have that are th...

Just had a workman here doing an asbestos check before I get a new thermostat next week and he knew Jay-Dee. He said he was a lovely lad and hes sorry for our loss. Made me well up. Im absolutely gutted. My son should still be here with me. Just watched a tiktok about my dad and im just heartbroken inside. Its the little things that trigger grief. I was doing ok this morning and now i could cry. God I miss them both so much. I hate being alive! I just want to see them both again. I know they'll understand why i can't go yet, my other boys need me. So I have to stay alive. Grief is hard. Anyway, ive paid for Valentines afternoon tea with Jesse today. That will take my mind off things if only for a short time. Everything's going good with Natalie. Could this be the year where I get some happiness? I deserve some and ive waited so long for it. Sat on my bed this morning and contemplated taking Jesse school, but I took him. He breaks up Thursday for a week. Ive been Asda and im...

Well, i went on my date. I went Asda first and brought a bunch of pink roses and a valentines teddy bear. I wanted to treat her. Start as I mean to go on. She had the biggest smile when I gave them to her. I was so nervous waiting outside Cafe Nero, but when I saw her walking towards me I had the biggest smile on my face. We chatted and before I left I gave her a kiss. Honestly feel like im on cloud 9 at the moment. Not felt happiness like this for years and years. I deserve this dont I. Got a smile on my face as I write this blog. Thank you Jesus for sending me someone to love. Im just so happy today. On my way home i got chatting to the Uber driver and he asked if I had any children and I said ive got 4 boys. He asked how old they were because he said i only look young, bless him. I said im 42, he said i only look in my 30s, but anyway, i didn't have the heart to tell him one of my sons passed away, so I just spoke like Jay-Dee was still alive. Anyway, Natalie has lost her sister...

Showered, wash, dried and straightened my hair this morning ready for my date tomorrow. Not going lie im a bit nervous, but im going to go. Met up with 3 of my friends today for a catch up. Jesse is having a sleepover at Damians so I have the bed to myself. Jasper is here, hes sleeping over. Ive just climbed into bed with my dog and im going sleep soon. Its not been a bad day mentally speaking. Tomorrow I will be a week off the weed. Its not been easy, but im trying my best and thats all I can do. Jesse breaks up Thursday for half term. Can't wait not have do the school run. Last night Natalie said 'why dont I stay up late, with it being a Saturday night?'. First of all, fuck off. I can go bed what ever time I want, but secondly im medicated morning and night and my night time meds make me sleepy. Pissed me off a bit when she said that. I can go sleep what ever time I want. I like being in bed for 9. Not got Jesse here now and im still in bed for 9 and I plan on going sleep...

Just sat thinking of the morning the police knocked on my door and told me my son was dead. I am absolutely heartbroken. I dont know how im ever going to come to terms with the death of my father and son. What's fucking wrong with me??! Grief is killing me. Damian said, am I telling the boys there's reasons to live and actually no im not. How can I give them reasons to live when I dont even want to be alive myself? I tell them we live for each other and thats all I can say. Im only alive today because my boys need me. We're all depressed, its just so sad. How am I meant to help my boys with their grief, when im drowning in my own? God life is hard! I was thinking about when my dad told me he had terminal cancer. I felt like id been winded. I can't seem to accept their deaths. Im messed up mentally. My heads a mess. I watched my dad deteriorate over 19 months. He was given 3-4 months without treatment, and 12-18 with, and he lived for 19 months. He didn't want to die...

One more early start tomorrow then two lie ins over the weekend. Jesse breaks up next Thursday for a week and I can't wait haha. Love my sleep i do. Told you its an escape. Monday is fast approaching when I meet Natalie, im not nervous, well I am a tiny bit, but im more excited. Im going buy her some flowers to take with me. Some roses. Its nice to be nice and it'll make her day and thats what its all about. Mentally im doing ok. Trying to see the positives in the day, rather than focusing on negativity. Trying to be thankful more for what I have. Im really trying to get better. Im pushing myself to do more. Whilst grieving for my father and son, im grateful for my living children. My dad and son will be waiting for me when its my time to die. Still wouldnt say no to dying haha. Seriously though, still wish I was dead most days.  Chatting to Natalie somehow brightens up my day. Could she be the one ive prayed for? Who knows, but we'll soon find out. Anyway, teas done and im...

This April, I will be 5 years cancer free and if my next internal looks good, ill be discharged from the hospital. I have a big scar going down my stomach where I had 22 metal staples in. Ive been through so much, yet im still standing. I amaze myself if im honest. I was so tired yesterday, tried to nap, but couldnt fall asleep. I just felt so drained all day. Don't know why. Just put a joint of gammon in my slow cooker to have with chips and gravy for tea. Oh I didn't tell you, the school rang me after school yesterday to tell me Jesse has been hit in the eye with a child's water bottle. I was fuming!! Jesse apparently was lying on the floor crying. I said to the school which ever way you look at this situation, its assault! I said i dont touch my kids so ill be damned if someone else is going to hurt my child. His eye is red and swollen underneath. If it was a tiny bit higher it would of been his eye ball. Honestly, i felt so sorry for him. He was so upset when he come in...

Im so tired, but its the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. Im drained from fighting for my life everyday. Killed me getting Jesse up for school, but hes gone. Im meeting Natalie Monday for a coffee. Im hoping we hit it off. We've been talking now for about 5 weeks, so its time we met. Im so nervous. Ive been on my own that long, I forgotten what its like dating. Im hoping shes the one. But anyway, im tired. Life drains me. Its got to be because im depressed and grieving. Will I be grieving forever? Is this my life now? My sister has been split up with her ex for 7 months and shes already met someone and seems happy. Why am I struggling to move on. Its like im scared of meeting someone new. Don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, ive been smoking weed for years and years, ive never mentioned it before. Feel like I replaced alcohol with weed, so Sunday night I decided to smoke what I had left and call it a day. Long story short, im on day 2 with no weed. Hoping I can s...

Didn't take Jesse school, was up through the night with acid on my throat, sulphur burps and diarrhoea. Had a Chinese last night and it must of lay too heavy on my stomach. No more Chinese for me, clearly didn't sit well inside. Jensen took me Asda to get stuff to make a chilli for tea. Been speaking to Natalie still, its going ok. Jesses in bed and i won't be far behind. Had a sad moment, missing my dad and son. I try not stay sad for too long, I have to try and snap myself out of it. Meeting my sister up Hanley in the morning for a coffee and a catch up, which will be nice. Still got some money left on my Primark gift card I had for my birthday, so ill probably end up with more new pjs haha. Oh you can tell im getting old. Been tired all day today, but that'll be because I slept shit last night!. Jensen has been looking for apartments in Manchester, hes getting ready to leave home. Im going to miss him so much. Hate my children growing up, makes me sad that they won...