February 23rd Monday.

First of all, im 3 weeks off the weed. Go me! Feel so much better in myself. Anyway, we all know it was date day today. All morning I thought to myself im not going go, I wasn't sure if i was ready and it was just me doubting myself. Wondering if im worthy enough to even go on a date. I know ive already been on a date with Natalie, but this time it was at her home and she was cooking for me. I thought to myself, what have I got to lose, so I went on my date. Its been a long time since ive laughed and she had me laughing so much. She set the table for us to eat at, yes I was nervous about eating infront of her, but I was fine. She cooked steak, chips, onion rings, peas and pepper corn sauce. It was lovely. I asked if I could help with the dishes and she said no. Honestly, I had a really nice time with her. Weve been having something do with each other for 8 weeks, so today we went in a relationship with each other on Facebook. That's when you know its official haha. But seriously though, ive felt so happy today. I deserve this happiness. Ive prayed my heart out for happiness. Could Natalie be what ive prayed for? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out. Im praying it works out and we live happily ever after, but this is me we're talking about and I dont have happy endings. My life is filled with depression and grief, but for those few hours I was with Natalie, I felt a glimpse of happiness. Its days like today i live for, because we all know tomorrow i could feel suicidal. That's just how my mental health is and there's nothing I can do about it. Today has given me hope for my future. We're taking things slowly, couple of dates a week and im happy with that. If it was up to Natalie, id be married already haha. I just dont want to rush anything, ive had my heartbroken a few times over the years, so ive got my walls up. She calls me sexy eyes because I have different coloured eyes haha. Today i am happy. Feel guilty that ive been laughing today with my dad and son both gone, but I know they'd be telling me to live my life and thats what im trying to do. Im really trying this year to get better mentally and if Natalie helps with that, then its all good. She said she'd never hurt me or cheat on me. She's saying all the right things, but we'll just see how it goes. Its 8pm now and im ready for bed. I love being in bed. Dreamt about my dad again last night, he was dying again. Why do I keep having horrible dreams? At least I got to see him again, thats the main thing. Can't wait to die and see them both again. Not yet, I know. Everyday i live is a day closer to my death. God im so morbid. Life's hard when youve got people in heaven you love. But anyway, today im feeling good. Even took a selfie today. Not done that for a while. So here it is..