February 10th Tuesday.

Just had a workman here doing an asbestos check before I get a new thermostat next week and he knew Jay-Dee. He said he was a lovely lad and hes sorry for our loss. Made me well up. Im absolutely gutted. My son should still be here with me. Just watched a tiktok about my dad and im just heartbroken inside. Its the little things that trigger grief. I was doing ok this morning and now i could cry. God I miss them both so much. I hate being alive! I just want to see them both again. I know they'll understand why i can't go yet, my other boys need me. So I have to stay alive. Grief is hard. Anyway, ive paid for Valentines afternoon tea with Jesse today. That will take my mind off things if only for a short time. Everything's going good with Natalie. Could this be the year where I get some happiness? I deserve some and ive waited so long for it. Sat on my bed this morning and contemplated taking Jesse school, but I took him. He breaks up Thursday for a week. Ive been Asda and im making a lasagne for tea with fresh veg. Im currently sat with me dog and my cat asleep on my knee. Bloody love them so much. My little support animals. I needed them in my life. Just done a massive load of washing thats now in the dryer, so got empty that when its done. I always empty it straight away because you dont have to iron anything then haha. Im a lazy bitch. Im going clean Jesses toys up in the living room and just wait for my friend to pick me up for afternoon tea with our boys. Roll on bed time so I can go back sleep. I just hate being alive. I try to keep myself busy so I dont sit and think about things. Just got to keep plodding on haven't I?