February 25th Wednesday.

Forced myself to get up and take Jesse school. He leaves 10 minutes before me for school because he goes on his bike. There's really no need for me to go anymore, but i like going the cafe to my friends. Anyway, i got school and a parent brought a tearful Jesse to me and said a lad had just forcefully pushed Jesse flying across the school playground. I said show me who it was. I walked to where Jesse pointed the lad out and I went 'oi!! Don't touch my child again!' I said it that loud that everyone stopped playing football. I dont care, im a good Christian, but dont fuck with my kids. I said to Jesse if it happens again, ill go straight to the child's mother. The push had cut all his little hand. Jesse didn't want go in school, I said if it happens again ill push the child's mother to the ground and see how she likes it. Anyway, he went in school after a big hug and kiss off me. I rushed back home from school to take Jasper the Drs and he asked me to rearrange it, so I did. Then I thought to myself im getting in bed for an hour. I lay in bed and had visions of Jay-Dee stepping off that car park and falling to his death.. a living nightmare. Grief is sneaky, it just shows up and doesnt give a fuck! I tried to sleep, but my phone kept ringing and pinging. I gave up trying to sleep. So I got up and made a toasted cheese bagel. Jasper is still asleep. Thinking about my son falling to his death has made me feel like shit. He died all by himself and that kills me. My beautiful boy gone forever. The only comfort I get is knowing hes in my dad's arms and ill get to see them both when its my time to die. Any day could be our last and we'd never know when death is coming. Ive said it before, but I welcome death. When you have people in heaven youre so desperate to see, I dont think death scares you. Well it doesnt me anyway. I dont want to leave my 3 boys behind, but by god do I miss my dad and son. They say it gets easier over time, thats a lie. Its been 5 & a half years for my dad and i miss him more and more everyday. It will be 2 years this June for Jay-Dee and I often wonder how ive made it this far. The strength I have because of my boys is amazing. The medication has helped, but so has prayer. Prayer has gotten me through alot of dark days and im thankful for my faith. Grief is the price we pay for deep love. I loved my dad and son so much, i still do. I miss them terribly.