February 12th Thursday.

Feel a bit shitty today. I look at myself and i just see an ugly person. Im 10 days off the weed and ive gained 2lb! How the fuck does that work? Ive been eating way less than I usually do, so how the fuck have I gained weight?? Crazy. Im going try doing a calorie deficit diet from Monday. Can't start a diet half way through the week. Diets always start on a Monday haha. Just dusted my fireplace and told my son i miss him as I was dusting his urn. Ever likely I feel a bit deflated. Told my dad I miss him too. If people could see me talking to the dead they'd think I was crazy. I talk to them both everyday. I tell them my problems because in my heart, I know they can hear me. My heart aches. God I miss them both so much. 55 and 21. No age to die. Jesse breaks up today, thank god. I need sleep. I keep waking up after 11pm thinking its morning. I woke up last night telling Jesse to take his coat off. God knows why. He was fast asleep and I woke him up telling him to take his coat off haha. Wonder why I keep waking up thinking its morning? Im doing pork steaks for tea with chips and gravy. The porks been slow cooking for hours. Jasper hasn't been going to college, hes so depressed and I feel so bad for him, because i know how hes feeling. Depression is horrible. I think he needs to just drop out of college and find himself a little job. Hes not happy there. Hes struggling to wake up in the morning because hes not sleeping well. I remember how bad my sleeping was before I was prescribed Olanzopine. Insomnia nearly killed me off. Its horrible. Jesse is finishing school now. Can't wait to see his little face. He brings me so much love, all my boys do. They're all mummies boys. Jay-Dee was a mummies boy, I would bend over backwards for my boys. They're my life. I know my dad and son will understand why I can't see them both yet. My boys need me, and I need them. Some times I think about stepping out into oncoming traffic, but knowing my luck id just end up paralysed and tube fed. That's how unlucky I am haha. Things are going good with Natalie. We're going for a carvery Monday evening. Im looking forward to that. She sent me a relationship request on Facebook and I thought, fuck it, ill accept. So now im in a relationship. Lesbians move fast hahaha. She takes my mind off things. I prayed and prayed for God to send me someone and here she is. Ive said we'll go on dates and see where it goes. I dont want to rush anything. She's well aware of my mental issues, and shes been understanding. I was diagnosed with EUPD, PTSD and Chronic Depression. What a catch I am. Not haha. If I dont laugh, ill cry. Anyway, I tried to give the vape up, but failed today. Ill try again tomorrow. The main thing is, the weed has gone, so thats good. Its half 3 and im already in my pjs, can not wait get into bed and not set an alarm. If I didn't have Jesse, id lie in bed and sleep my life away. That's just how I feel. Its an escape from reality. I need to get Jesse back in his own room. I want my bed back to myself. As much as I love his cuddles in bed, he needs to be in his own bed. Im ordering us both coverless duvets next week. I hate making beds, so im buying them. Jesses just walked in and gave me a big hug. He doesn't realise how much I needed that hug. Bloody love my boys so much. And thats it for today.