February 24th Tuesday.

Didn't take Jesse school, he didn't want to go and I didn't want to get out of my cosy bed. So we didn't go. Told him no more time off now. I know i should of taken him. Hes going tomorrow for sure. Natalie asked me if she'd done something wrong, I was like, no why due ask that and she said she was just wondering. Fuck me, women are a head fuck. Mental health is shit as it is without some woman asking what shes done wrong. It's because I dont message her much, she shouldn't take it personally, its just who I am. I dont really talk much. Can't be bothered some days to talk at all. Since losing my dad and son and having cancer myself, ive just become a very quiet person. Im not outgoing anymore, im quiet and reserved. I see life differently now. I observe people and I try not to judge. We're all going through shit let's face it, so I just stay quiet. Death flipped my world upside down. Im not the same person I use to be. I dont drink for a start. I was vile in drink, id either want to fight or kill myself. I still want to kill myself dont get me wrong but thats my mental health. I dont want to fight anyone anymore, I pray for people now. Don't get me wrong, if someone hit me, id smack them back haha, but seriously though, I pray alot, not just for myself, but I pray for others too. Prayer has gotten me through some really hard days. Im still alive, im proof that prayer works. Now im sober I dont act on intrusive thoughts, I pray my way through them. Sound crazy dont I, but its what works for me and thats the main thing. Jasper stayed over last night and hes still asleep now at 1:42pm, god knows what time he went sleep last night. Jesse and I are having a pj day. Can't wait go back bed if im honest. Maybe i like being asleep a bit too much, people dont understand that sleep is an escape from reality. Its my chance to see my dad and son again. After everything ive been through, I remain sober and thats a massive achievement. I got sober and I found God. The old me died the day my dad closed is eyes forever and im on a new journey to find this new Ann-Louise. Its hard work. I struggle with anxiety, so leaving the house is a task most days and I have chronic depression, so its a battle to not kill myself on a daily. I have PTSD so I relive my dad and sons death most days, but everyday I show up for my boys. My reasons to keep going. Without them, im not me. Life's far from easy, but by god am I trying and thats all I can do. I think Natalie wants more than I can give. She wants to see me all the time, and ive gotten use to being on my own with my boys. My misery doesnt like company some day. She's just going to have to go at my pace and if shes serious about me, she will do, but we'll see how it goes. If it doesnt work out, i really dont care. Nothing bothers me anymore, ive been to hell and back more than once, so now i just dont care about anything. It would be nice if it worked out, but if it doesnt, it is what it is...