February 15th Sunday.

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Had crazy dreams last night and one of them dreams I was shopping with Jay-Dee, buying him new clothes and shoes.. then I fucking woke up!! I could cry. I miss my baby so much. Im crying now. Didn't think I could cry anymore, but here I am crying. I just want my son back, I want my dad back. I hate my life. I hate being alive. Today is going to be a shit day. Absolutely loved dreaming of my child and then I had to wake up. I keep thinking what if this life is all a dream and then when we die we wake up? Makes you think doesnt it. Ive got no energy today. I need to shower and wash my hair, but I wish id of just died in my sleep. I hate life today. Dreaming of my child has just set me back. Had such a good day yesterday and today im crying over a dream. Due know why im crying? It's because ive stopped taking my morning medication. 375mg of Venlafexine I take in the morning and I stopped a few days ago. Sick of feeling nothing. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, but im just desperate to feel something, even if it is sorrow. I dont want to die, but i dont want to live like this. Maybe i should take my meds. Still taking my Olanzopine at night. My heads a mess today! I just want my dad and son back. Im crying again. Ive not cried for so long, I thought my tear ducts had dried up. I hate my mental health. I hate my life. Today is a bad day. Didn't want to get up this morning, dreaming of Jay-Dee has really impacted me. I feel so low. Ive got suicidal thoughts. I just dont want to be here anymore. I have to tell myself, its just a bad day and tomorrow could be better. I know its the dream that's set me off. God I just wish I was dead. I need to force myself to shower. Can't remember the last time I showered. Bad isn't it? That's depression for you. Even on my good day yesterday, i was still depressed. I probably need to take my morning medication. Turns out I do need it. I just keep crying. My first born baby, gone forever. My dad, my best friend, gone forever. How am I meant to live this life? Im trying so fucking hard to live this shit life. Im only here for my kids. If it wasn't for them id of been dead years ago. I welcome death. Everyday i live, is a day closer to death and thats what keeps me going.

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