February 20th Friday.

Dad visited me in my dreams last night, then i woke up..  love it when i dream about my dad and son, but I absolutely hate waking up. Got YouTube on the tv playing music and just as ive started to write this blog, dad's funeral song has just played, Burning Love by Elvis Presley. If thats not a sign then I dont know what is. 

Do you see Angel Numbers? Ive been seeing them all through the day and night for years. Some times I think i might be going crazy, but seeing them gives me reassurance. Honestly, i fucking hate being mentally unwell. Dusted my living room and Jay-Dees urn. Just breaks my heart having his ashes infront of my fire, but saying that, I wouldnt want him anywhere else. Hes safe with me and so is my dad. Hes in my bedroom. Kills me everyday, but im glad they're both with me, brings me a bit of comfort. Its just hard seeing your dad and son in an urn everyday. My heart aches today. I love going asleep early because I know there's always a chance ill see my father and son. I say early, I go sleep at 10pm, not too bad. Im always in bed for 9 then me and Jesse watch tv for an hour. My brother hasn't long gone, hes been here a few hours. Was nice to see him. Im just drying a big load of washing, then I need fold it all when my dryer has finished. Im going Natalie's Monday, shes cooking for me, probably already told you, but can't remember haha. Menopause has fried my brain. Ive not been on my hrt for a while now. Got sick of it, changing a patch every few days was annoying me, so ive taken myself off it. Probably another reason my mental health is shit. Im another day closer to death, thank god. Its 3.10pm and I can't wait go bed. Oh yeh, i ordered myself, Jesse and Jensen coverless duvets earlier. They'll be here tomorrow. Going to make my life so much easier, I hate making beds, so the coverless duvet will be a god send. Mental health is shit today. Youve probably noticed. As much as I love dreaming about my dad and son, at the same time, it sets me back a bit. My heart sinks when I wake up. Just got to keep thinking, when my final day comes, I will see them both again. I talk to them all the time, I know they can hear me. I love them so much. I will miss them for the rest of my days on earth. My heart will forever be shattered. Ill never feel whole again. Due know what, Jensen was showing me a Tiffany necklace earlier. Really nice. I said are you buying that for Paula. That's his girlfriend and its pronounced Powla. She's Latino. She lives in the USA, but shes moving here this year to be with Jensen. He met her when he was working in Colombia. Anyway, he was showing me this expensive Tiffany necklace and I said thats lovely, are you buying it Paula, and he said, no im treating you, im buying it for you. My heart melted. Oh was like, omg thank you so much. Im a very lucky mum, but little things like that make me realise how much im loved and how well ive raised my boys. They're all mummies boys,  Jay-Dee was too. Tell you what, I bend over backwards for my boys, id do anything for them and they're my reasons to keep going. Its little gesture like buying me that necklace that make me feel appreciated. I adore my children. My reasons to keep going. If it wasn't for my boys, id of been dead years now. I was blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. I was destined to be a boy mum. They say you choose your life before you are even born and I just know I would of chosen to be a boy mum. This is why my heart aches that ive lost a child. I'd give anything to see my father and son again, absolutely anything. Im grateful im still alive for my boys, but I also wish id just die in my sleep one night. I dont want to live to an old age. I just want to live long enough to see my boys grow up and then I want to see my dad and son again. Today I am alive and for that im thankful.