February 27th Friday.

Got tearful in the cafe this morning, talking to my friends about their mental health and I told them about my suicidal ideation that I have most days. Living shouldn't be this hard. I was thinking of all the jobs ive done in the past and how much I loved working, to now been on the sick for over 5 years. After my dad died something died in me. I lost myself. I honestly feel like I died inside. Things just kept getting worse for me. Had to deal with having major open surgery to remove my cancer and then my son goes and kills himself. How do you come back from all this tragedy? I was telling my friend how mentally unwell I am and it upsets me. I never use to be like this. I was so outgoing and bubbly and now im a shell. Ive got nothing in me. The old me died the day my father died and ive not been found since. I keep trying to find me, but im having no luck. Ive booked bowling tomorrow tea time for me, Natalie and Jesse, but due know what, I dont even want to go. Yes, I know it will do me good to get out for a few hours, but the thought of wearing my fake smile is already draining me. Im so fed up. Im forcing myself to be in a relationship with Natalie, when I really can't be bothered. Ive not got the energy. She messages me all through the day and I just think to myself, fuck off and leave me alone, but instead I reply making out im all good. If only she knew I was dead inside! I know ill never get back to the old Ann-Louise, but how do I find the new me? How am I meant to keep on living this way? Im not happy being alive, ill be honest. I show up for my kids. Im only here for them. Jasper is really struggling with his depression. Hes not sleeping at night and i can't help him because im depressed too. How can I tell him everything will be ok, when I can't even tell myself everything will be ok. Ive been depressed since my teenage years, but when my dad died, I fell apart and ive been trying to put myself back together ever since. Pieces of me are in heaven with my father and son. I can't keep living like this, but i dont have a choice. My living children need me. I just want to end my life, im tired of crying, im tired of wearing a smile, im just so tired of fighting for my life everyday. Natalie has just message to ask what im doing with my day. I said nothing. What I wanted to say was, im trying to fight intrusive thoughts and not kill myself. Its hard work! I said to my friends this morning, when I meet them it takes my mind off things, but when I get back home, it hits me all over again, every single fucking day. It hits me that my father and son are both dead. I could just give up on life, thats how I feel. Tomorrow ive got to shower and wash my hair and be ready to leave the house at 4.15pm to meet Natalie, all I want to do is stay in my pjs and be on my own, instead ive got to pretend im happy for a few hours. Depression and grief are killing me. Ive got no motivation to live, well I have, my kids motivate me I guess. Honestly without them, id be dead already. Anyway, ive put pork steaks in my slow cooker in gravy to have for tea with chips and veg. Sick of cooking everyday too. Sick of having to think of what to cook for tea everyday. Everything I do drains me. I just dont think im meant to be here anymore..