February 22nd Sunday.

Showered, washed my hair, blow dried and straightened it ready for my dinner date tomorrow. Honestly, how ive not shaved my hair off yet is a miracle. I absolutely hate doing my hair. Wouldn't of even bothered washing it if I wasn't meeting Natalie tomorrow. Hate it!! I only wash it once a week and thats too much if you ask me. Im dead nervous about going Natalie's tomorrow. She has an open plan kitchen she said, so ill be able see everything shes doing. Some times I think its easier being on my own. That way I can just let myself go haha. Hate having to make an effort. Life's tiring. Anyway, my hair is done. Its below my bra strap fastening, its gotten so long. Love it when its done, but HATE doing it. Slept in till half 10 this morning, didn't even want to get up. My bed was so comfy. I dont feel too bad today, got my mate coming for a cuppa soon. Who am I kidding, I dont feel too bad haha im fucking depressed as shit. Have to force myself to get out of bed. God help me tomorrow, back to my 7am alarm. Back to a routine which will do me good. If I lived alone, I wouldnt bother getting out of bed. Jensen has brought me a Tiffany necklace, ill post a pic when it arrives. Its cost him a few hundred pounds, im a very lucky mum. Im blessed, I know that, im thankful for my children and I know they love me and thats what keeps me going. Anyway, im waiting to hear off Damian as to whether Jesse is going out today. Ive got my dog and kitten on my knee, my dogs asleep and my kitten is purring in my face. I fancy a Chinese for tea, but last time I had a Chinese on a Sunday night, I had a bad stomach all night and couldn't take Jesse school on the Monday because I had the shits haha. So think ill give it a miss. Tired of life, but grateful im alive. I always remember Jasper saying 'if I killed myself, he wouldnt be far behind me'. That's what keeps me going. I have to remember, yes ive lost my child, but they've lost their brother too. My heart aches for them. I tell them I love them all throughout the day, I love you just rolls off my tongue. Life's too short to not say it. Since losing my dad and Jay-Dee, I see life differently. I know first hand how short life can be. I still wish I was dead, dont get me wrong. I welcome death, but at the same time, i want to be here for my boys. I have a love, hate relationship with life. One day i hope to love living, but thats not today. Grateful to be alive, but hate being alive. Jensen has got up and asked me if I wanted to go Hanley with him. Long story short, im in the car and we're going shopping. Happy days.