February 4th Wednesday.

This April, I will be 5 years cancer free and if my next internal looks good, ill be discharged from the hospital. I have a big scar going down my stomach where I had 22 metal staples in. Ive been through so much, yet im still standing. I amaze myself if im honest. I was so tired yesterday, tried to nap, but couldnt fall asleep. I just felt so drained all day. Don't know why. Just put a joint of gammon in my slow cooker to have with chips and gravy for tea. Oh I didn't tell you, the school rang me after school yesterday to tell me Jesse has been hit in the eye with a child's water bottle. I was fuming!! Jesse apparently was lying on the floor crying. I said to the school which ever way you look at this situation, its assault! I said i dont touch my kids so ill be damned if someone else is going to hurt my child. His eye is red and swollen underneath. If it was a tiny bit higher it would of been his eye ball. Honestly, i felt so sorry for him. He was so upset when he come in from school. My Jesse is only little. It was an accident apparently, but Jesse said it wasn't. Fucking school!! Anyway, mental health is shit, but im ok. Jasper's got a doctors appointment at 5pm which im taking him. Hes depressed and he needs some support. Feel bad for him because its probably from me that hes depressed. Ive suffered since my teenage years with depression and im still suffering now at the age of 42. I wish I was dead most days. Going see if they can help with his sleeping. Maybe give him a very low dose of antidepressants which will help him sleep. I dont know, we'll see what the doctor says. Im still chatting to Natalie everyday, so again, we'll see where that goes.. lifes been so hard since my dad passed away. The boys have gone through so much with me. Their grandad dying, their mum had cancer and then their brother goes and kills himself. Fucking hell, ever likely we're depressed! I can't keep living these groundhog days, i won't make it to the end of the year if something doesnt give. Im trying to stay positive, but its hard when youre a manic depressive who's grieving. Life is hard work. I was diagnosed with PTSD too because I relive the death of my father and son daily. Not a day goes by where I dont think of them both. I just hope my dad is looking after my child for me until its my time to die. Wonder when i will die? Have you ever thought about death? I think about it daily. I'd love to just kill myself and be done, but I just can't leave my kids behind. Jay-Dee and my dad will be waiting for me when the time arrives.