February 18th Wednesday.

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Its 9.20am, I was up at 8am getting Jesse ready for his sleepover at Alton Towers. He went at 9am, so hes got a full day on the rides and a sleepover there. He was so excited bless him. Ive just made myself a cup of tea and its so peaceful. Im going see my friends at dinner time, then out for tea with Jasper and Jensen later. Going be nice spend time with my older boys. Think we're going for a Toby Carvery. Yum! Just wish Jay-Dee was here to come with us. Makes me sad inside. Miss my dad and son so much. I was going go back bed when Jesse went, but im wide awake now. Ive got a psychiatrist appointment next month and im going tell her how depressed I am and how I think about killing myself often. My mental health is so shit. Anyway, a whole day and night to myself, ive done my dishes, I have no washing to do, so thats good. Im just going enjoy my peace and quiet. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't mentally unwell. I'd love to be able enjoy life and do things on my own, but im not enjoying life and anxiety stops me from doing loads. I literally live day by day, step by step. Its all I can do. I never know when im going to have a shit day mentally. Mental health isn't talked about enough, one of the reasons I blog about my mental health. I always hope that someone who is struggling reads my blogs and knows they're not alone. I was lying in bed last night and I had visions of my dad dying playing in my head. Apparently thats PTSD and its fucking horrible. It will be 6 years in November since my dad passed away and ive not been right since. 5 years in April since I had cancer, I should be discharged from the hospital at some point this year if my examination goes ok and it'll be 2 years in June since my son passed away. Ive been blogging now for nearly 5 years. That's crazy!! Not sure how ive made it to today if im honest, but i have and thats the main thing. Just got to keep going. We go on holiday July 1st and im wishing I never booked it last year because im so anxious about going. Jasper said he'll help me at the airport and stuff, bless him. Anyway, going make another cuppa and get dressed i think. Enjoy your Wednesday. 

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