February 11th Wednesday.

9 days off the weed. I miss it some times, but ill be £120 a month better off. My vape has nearly run out and i plan on quitting that tomorrow too. That's another £80 a month better off ill be. £200 a month on smoking is crazy so I need to quit. Im a strong woman ill do it. If I can do over 4 years with no alcohol, Im capable of anything. Cooked pork chops for tea and I just didn't like it. Don't like meat on the bone. Saying that, there was hardly any meat on them. They were tiny little chops. Waste of money. Ill stick to my pork loin steaks I buy. I slow cook them in gravy and they go lovely. Last night's tea was lovely. Homemade lasagne and fresh veg. I love cooking for my kids. Knowing they enjoy what I cook warms my heart. I love being a mum. I was so blessed to of birthed 4 boys. Don't feel too bad today, mentally speaking. Im doing ok. I have bad days and I have better days. Its just the way my life is going to be. Its the suicidal thoughts I have that are the problem, but as long as I dont act on them, ill be ok. Ive got flowers being delivered Saturday for Valentines Day off Natalie. Im so excited. The last lot of flowers I had were because Jay-Dee had died, so it'll be nice to have some that mean shes thinking if me. Myself and Natalie are going for food Monday night, she said shes paying its her treat. She's so lovely. Im praying this is the happiness ive been waiting for. I deserve this. Ive been through so much. I just want to be loved and I want to share the love I have inside of me. This year is going to be my year, im sure of it, but we'll see. Im just taking life one day at a time and what will be, will be. My life is in God's hands. Jesus take the wheel because I can't do this on my own. Ive prayed my heart out for happiness. Could it be Natalie? Only time will tell. One more early morning get up then me and Jesse get a week of lie ins. Can't wait. I do love my sleep. I suffered with insomnia for years and years, i deserve sleep haha thank god for Olanzopine! Anyway, its nearly 7pm. Ive taken my night time meds and im in fresh pjs. When Jasper goes ill be getting into bed. That's me for the day. Goodnight.