February 26th Thursday.

Not a good day mentally today. Keep seeing my dad and son on my digital photo frame ive got next to Jay-Dees urn on the fire, my heart aches. Oh how I wish life was different. Im a Christian, but I often find myself wondering why God gave them to me and then he took them away from me? Some days are hard and today is one of those hard days. Questioning my faith, why did God take them from me? I have to think about how my life has changed since they've been gone, for the better might I add, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Im sober now, would I be if my dad was still alive? The answer is no, so something good did come from my dad's death. Im trying to see the positives in my life. Ive prayed out loud today, ive prayed for strength to get me through today. Feel like crying. I miss them both so much. Ill never understand why God needed them more than I do. Im in a dark place today. There's no one in the house except me and I could easily kill myself, but then my children would have to find my body and I just can't do that to them. It would kill them. Ive got to stay strong and think positive. Im thankful for my children. Im thankful I got to be Jay-Dees mum for 21 years. I miss my baby. Ive had a shower and gotten into my pjs. Just want go bed. Mental health is destroying me. Ill be ok when Jesse gets in from school and Jasper comes, its when im sat alone my thoughts go dark. I wouldnt kill myself, i couldnt bare to leave my children, but them intrusive thoughts are horrible. Wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't mentally unwell? I guess we'll never know. Just going write today off as a shit day. My house is filled with dad and Jay-Dees things, I just can't let go. I have Jay-Dees hot chocolate tins in the kitchen still, just can't bring myself to get rid of them. I want to remember them both and I think by keeping their clothes etc, means im still close to them. I know its not healthy, but what am I meant to do? Im just not ready to let go and thats ok. Im aloud to grieve how ever I want, ive learnt that. Holding on to clothes and hot chocolate tins gives me some comfort. Ill never know why my son took his own life, I think about him dying alone and it kills me. What must of been going through his head at 5:30am that tragic morning? Ill never know. Cancer stole my dad from me and my cancer, what the fuck.. why didn't I die!? It clearly wasn't my time to go, God knew my boys need their mum. Jesse brings himself home from school in the afternoon, imagine him finding his mum dead? No way, i just can't do it. Let's talk positive, im nearly 4 weeks off the weed. Ive smoked weed for years and something just switched inside me and I decided to quit. I do miss it some nights, but I miss alcohol too, some nights. Ive got this, im a strong woman. Mental health is shit, but we carry on. I have to keep going, my boys need me and I need them.