February 28th Saturday.

Felt like shit all day, mentally speaking, but took Jasper and Jesse bowling. Had such a good time with them. Im glad I push myself to do stuff. Was only out the house a couple of hours, but it did me good. Straight home after and back in my pjs. Ive called things off with Natalie, can't be doing with being with someone. My mental health comes first and I need to get better. Can't love someone else when I dont even love myself. She's telling me she loves me.. fuck off! Can't be bothered at all with being with someone. I like it just being me and my boys. I know im not ready for a relationship. I feel like shit, I just want go bed. Sick and tired of feeling like this. I just want my dad and son back. Im going on a serious diet Monday, fed up of feeling and looking horrible. Im just so fed up. This smile i wear on my face is tiring. The only time I have a genuine smile on my face is when im with my boys. They make me happy when im with them. Maybe im too far gone to be in a relationship with anyway. I prefer to shut myself away from the world. I know its depression, but I dont know what I can about it. Clearly the medication isn't working because im a mess. I hate the way I feel. I hate participating in life. I go to bed every night in the hopes i die in my sleep, but God keeps waking me up, but why? Im living a nightmare I can't wake up from. My dad and my son gone forever. How do you come back from this? How the fuck do I find myself?? Im not living, im surviving. Im pushing myself to do things with my boys, im trying my best, but its just not good enough. I wish I was dead. Losing a child is the worst pain ive ever felt. Why would my son leave me behind. My heart aches for my child. My dad, my best friend, gone forever. Everyone is moving on in their lives and im stuck in grief. I hate it. Im stuck in a dark hole and im struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank god I have my children to keep me going.