Cancer, Depression and Me.

Just sat thinking about the morning of my sons death. The police telling me he was dead. I remember saying "it cant be my son", as tears rolled from my eyes. My hands trembling as I searched for Damians number in my phone. I felt like someone had just punched me in my stomach. It haunts me. This is grief. This is my life. Ive been ok today and then out of nowhere, grief just smacks you in the face. Why did my son kill himself? A question i ask regularly. Ill never know what my son was thinking that morning, and that kills me inside. Why didn't he just ring me? God it kills me inside everyday. If its not Jay-Dees death I relive, I'll be reliving my dad's death. Living is torture. Death would be peaceful. Ill never have a quiet mind. There's always something going on in my head. Ive not got a quiet brain, there's always something going on. Sometimes I play song lyrics over and over in my head. Drives me insane. Date day tomorrow, its come round so fast. Yes,...

Jesse hasn't gone school, he woke me up about 6am running to the toilet to be sick. He hasn't actually been sick he just keeps going sick. Hes spent the day just lying on the settee and hes been in bed for the past hour and its only 6pm, so I know something is wrong with him. If hes not sick tonight he will have to go school tomorrow. Im meeting that girl Thursday at China Gardens. Bit nervous, but it can't hurt to go on a date. Anyway, ive felt like shit all day today. Got no energy. I just want to sleep my life away. Can't wait go bed. Life seriously needs to improve. Really need to lose weight, but I feel like im always hungry! Fucking hate having to be on medication. Fucking hate my life!! Fed up of having depression. Ive just got to remind myself of the better days. Its hard! Wonder when ill die, and i wonder how ill die. You ever think about it, or is it just me? Weird to think one day will be your last day, but you just dont know which day. Crazy isn't it. Gu...

Got up took Jesse school, sat on my bed at 7:15am and contemplated life. Woke Jesse up and got on with my day. Felt a bit shit today. Its been a long boring day and i can't wait go bed. Been to collect my medication. Jensen took me after he finished work. Depressing knowing i could be on medication for the rest of my just to stay afloat. Hate taking my meds, especially my morning meds. The size of the capsules makes me gag. Ive thrown up a few times trying to swallow them in the past. Its grim. I just know I need them and I shouldn't be ashamed of that, but I am. I wish I was some what normal. How nice it would be to live your life without having suicidal thoughts. Without walking and thinking of stepping into on coming traffic. You know what stops me? I always think to myself, i wouldnt die, i just be paralysed from the neck down or something. That's how unlucky I am. Just won't die! Still speaking to Natalie, we're meant be meeting this week, thats if I dont chick...

Can't be bothered with small talk, messaging this girl and I really can't be arsed with it. Feel like its me forcing conversations and its just not flowing for me. Maybe im just meant to be on my own because this dating shit is hard work. Feel a bit shit today mentally, ive been seen a couple of my friends, once again had to force myself so this house doesnt consume me. Can't wait go bed. Im tired. Was so nice last night climbing into fresh bedding. You can't beat it. Had myself a shower this morning, go me! Haha. Im just plodding on, living this painful life ive been given to live. Feel a bit fed up. Im forcing myself to chat to someone because I feel left out in the world, i feel like its what I should be doing to "fit in". In actual fact, I should probably stay alone until I learn to love myself. How can I possibly love anyone when I dont love me? Anyway, Jesses still out with Damian and im catching up on Love Island. Sad arent I? Im not going stress about ...

I was thinking last night about how ive turned my whole life around. From being a piss head and drinking everyday to being 4 years sober. Went out for a carvery last night with my brother, sister and the kids. It was lovely us all being together. Went back my sisters after for a few hours. Was a good night. I went to meet that girl ive been talking to, just to say hi and ive got to say, shes definitely my type, but we'll see where it goes. Ive messaged this morning but heard nothing back yet. So we'll see. But going back to how ive turned my life around, I think back to my old life when I drank alcohol and it disgusts me. So thankful im strong enough to stay sober. I wish Jay-Dee and my dad could see me now. They'd be so proud of me. My boys are proud of me and thats what keeps me sober. Not doing anything today except washing. Going go strip my bedding i think. I was reliving the days upto my dad's death last night. It was horrible. Told you grief just sneaks up on you...

Just sat thinking of my son stepping off the 17th floor of a multistory car park.. thats grief. Ive been fine all day and then, boom! Hits me all over again. Visions in my head torture me. Grief is very sneaky. He died instantly, thank God. He wasn't suffering and in pain. My heart aches. Can't even describe how im feeling. Got a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Waves of nausea keep passing through my body. Grief is horrible. This is the reality of my life. I will be grieving forever. A grieving daughter and a grieving mother.. I miss my father and son so much. Today is a shit day. Jesses nearly done a full week. Ive been forcing myself to take him. My brother booked a table for tomorrow afternoon at Brindley Farm. Well, 4:30pm. Myself, my sister, her kids and my kids, we're all meeting up for a birthday carvery for mine and Athenas birthday and my brother is paying for everyone. Looking forward to it. Then we're going back my sisters for a few hours. Can't stay ...

Been to meet my sister this morning in Hanley. I had £50 Primark gift card off Damian for my birthday and i thought to myself ill buy new pjs and underwear. Im definitely getting old. You know what, ive not felt too bad the past few days. Trying to have a positive outlook on life. Trying to be more grateful for what I have. Trying to grieve and live at the same time. God its hard work. Im trying and thats the main thing. Dead nervous about Thursday, date day.. keeping thinking of not going. Am I rushing myself? Will I regret it of i dont go? Im just nervous i think. Ill see how i feel come Thursday. Ive gotten to comfortable being alone. Which isn't a bad thing, but some times I get lonely and would like the company. I guess i could just go on the date and if I dont like her, ill just he honest with her. Shit man! Dating is hard. I dunno ill just see if I end up going. Jasper's just been to the Orthodontist, he's getting braces fitted the end of this month. Jensen has gone ...

Jesse, Jensen and Jasper have spent the day in Manchester with Damian. They've been shopping, playing bowling and then watch Man United play. Ive had the day to myself. Went my mums get my roots done because honestly, I'd let myself go. Came home, showered! And then I went to see my friends. Its 10 past 6 at night, ive just ordered myself a take away because the boys won't be back till 8ish. Absolutely loved having some me time. Really needed today, its give me a bit of a boost. Damian doesnt realise how much he helps my mental health when he has Jesse on a Sunday. Hes just the best! I was telling my mum earlier that I was worried I'd get dementia with how bad my memory is, and I said if I get it, just kill me because ive seen what dementia does. So anyway, she said she was thinking of when she gets old and I said, you're going in a home haha, she said no I bloody aren't, I said yes you are hahaha. She really is going in a home. Anyway, I was showing my mum my S...

Anyway, the messaging that girl I was on about? Well its back on. Im going the cinema on Thursday to meet her. I am shitting myself. Ive been alone for so long, I forgotten how to live. But anyway ill keep you updated on how that goes. So, im 42 today. I got dressed this morning, opened my cards. Opened my birthday cake last night because Jesse and myself was hungry haha.. so anyway, me and Jesse went Asda to buy everything to make tacos for tea. Jesse idea. To be fair i could of gotten a take away for less than tacos cost me to make, but due know what? Jensen was in the kitchen helping me. Jesse helped too. It was lovely. Went to see a few of my friends earlier. Its not been a bad day. Its another day closer to my death day. You didn't think I'd write a blog without getting morbid did you haha. Seriously though, its a day closer for real. Im sat in my pjs, eating cake. The fire is on, its all cosy. Jesses on the vr, Jasper's across from me and Jensen is in his room. All th...

I was telling the boys earlier about last night, and i said how I know it was my dad and they laughed at me. I bet they think ive lost my mind. Have I though? Can't help but think some times that I may of indeed lost my mind. Death can do that. It rewires your brain. I look at life differently, I have more empathy. I say i love you alot, I even randomly message it to my kids and family. I know first hand how short life can be. I was given a second chance when my cancer was cut away. A new sober Ann-Louise. Im stronger than I think. My friends came this morning to drop me some presents and a card off for my birthday tomorrow. I really have the best friends. 42 tomorrow and have zero will to live. I said to my mum earlier that I wished I was dead, she said we'll youre not, so cheer up. Oh thanks mum, that did the trick! Fucking idiot. Swear she doesnt think before she speaks. That was the end of the conversation. Im going mums Sunday to get my hair done. Jesse is going a Man Unit...

The strangest thing just happened. Literally, just happened. I was sat listening to chakra music and I was talking to my dad. I said did you send this girl im getting to know. Next thing my music changed to Ever Fallen In Love by FYC. I was like wow, ok. I listened to that then Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen, one of dad's songs started to play. Then I said it would be mad if Janet Jackson together again came on, I shit you not, it started to play. So I listened to it all and then Dad's funeral song started to play, Elvis Presley Burning Love. So I was like no fucking way, this has got to be my dad. Then James Bay came on, Hold Back The River. Dad's favourite song. I listened to it and as soon as it finished my chakra music started to play. If thats not a sign from my dad.. honestly, that was definitely my dad. Absolutely crazy. I just know in my heart that, that was a sign from my dad. I know you think im crazy, some times I think it too, but that was my dad's...

You know what ive just realised, sat having a conversation with Jesse and it hit me, how present i am as a parent. I sit with Jasper and Jensen and we have conversations. Getting sober changed me. Feel like i was given the chance to start over. Im a better person and a better parent. If I could go back and get sober sooner, I would. The bond i have with my kids since getting sober is unreal. We're all like best friends. So blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, it'll kill me inside for the rest of my life and for him I will stay sober for as long as I can. I know Jay-Dee and my dad are proud of me, and so are my other 3 boys. I have to stay sober for them. Took Jesse school today. He held my hand all the way because of the ice. Little moments I cherish. Went the cafe see my friends, we just picked up where we left off. Went Asda and got some meat, so we've had pork dinner for tea. Was lovely. Glad I got out of the house today, did me good. T...

No school again for Jesse today. This staying in the house is no good for my mental health, because now I have anxiety about taking him tomorrow. Been in the house too long.  Got my boys all here with me and i still feel so lonely. Going try go my mates tomorrow night, get me out of the house a few hours. Made a lobby today and my house smells all warm and cosy. Mental health is low today, shocker, haha. My nieces 6th birthday today and my 42nd birthday in a few days. Its not the same as you get older, its just another day to me. Damian asked me what I wanted, but there's nothing I want. In the end I just said a Primark gift card. I could do with some new tops so ill use it for that. Really got to push myself in the morning to get up and take Jesse school. In my defence, I have got up both mornings to take him, but then I saw the snow, so I just climbed back into bed. I love my bed and I love being asleep. Its my escape from my own brain. I kept the heating on all last night, it wa...

I replay the phone call I made to Damian within seconds of the police telling me Jay-Dee was dead. I remember my hands trembling as I tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember saying the police are here, Jay-Dee is dead whilst crying. It haunts me. I'll never forget that morning. I hate life! It's cruel!! Why did my baby have to kill himself. Why didn't I see the signs? There were no signs, it was the fucking drugs. God I could scream! Recreational drugs took my son from me. Im so angry at the world. Didn't take Jesse school today, looked out the window at half 6 this morning, saw the thick snow, and thought nope. I climbed back into bed with Jesse and went back sleep. Jesses been playing out in the snow for ages, he's come in freezing and wet. Hes now sat infront of the fire in his pjs. Ive got the fire and the heating on, its so cold today. Jesses going school tomorrow regardless of the weather. Im going cook a lobby tomorrow. I'll go Asda in the morning ge...

Didn't go church this morning. I slept in till half 11. Now thats some lie in. Cancelled going my friends. Spent the day with Jasper. I was just sat thinking about how we already had Jay-Dees name planned before I even got pregnant. Myself and Damian were big Jack Daniels lovers and thats where Jay-Dees name comes from. Jesse is on his way back home now. Ive missed him, but ive loved the break. Got in bed last night, was listening to music. Fell asleep peacefully and had a nice lie in. Its been snowing, the trees look so beautiful covered in snow. Jesse has just come back home and he's outside playing in the snow, where as im sat with the fire on all cosy in my living room. Feeling a bit better today. I say that, but im still sat thinking of my father and son. Not a day goes by where I dont think of them both. If it keeps snowing Jesse won't be going school tomorrow. Getting a take away for tea and then healthy eating as of tomorrow. Going try calorie counting see if that w...

Jesse went with Damian hours ago for a sleepover. Ive been my sisters to meet her and my brother and its been really nice to just have a bit of me time. They were drinking and obviously I wasn't. Miss it some times you know. Sobriety is hard work. Ive decided im going to start running when Jesse goes back school. Im nervous about it, but my sister said it really helps to clear your mind and let's face it, ive got nothing else to do in my life. So yeah, im thinking of starting to run. Ive got Jasper here for a sleepover. I see him every single day even though he lives with Damian, I hope he visits me everyday as he gets older. I just love having my boys around me. Keeps me going. Not going lie, im enjoying my Jesse free night. Ive just showered and now im playing a bit of music through my headphones. A little bit of me time. Im going church in the morning, I can't wait. Definitely getting my hair done next week before I shave it all off. I miss having no hair. Due know earli...

Rachael didn't come mine yesterday, i went hers and Beth came too, so we had a good catch up. Always makes me feel better when I see my friends. I know i have to push myself, but im glad I do. Its so easy to get stuck in depression. I know first hand how hard it is. Trying to find the will to live everyday. I dont shower for days on end and I barely brush my hair. Depression has got me and i dont know how to get out. I have really bad days where I just wish I was dead, and then some times I have a better day, but that's not very often. They do give me hope though and thats why I push myself to do stuff. Was meant be getting my hair done today, but ive cancelled. Don't want leave the house today. Told my friends last night that ill be dead by the middle of the year if my life doesnt improve. They knew I wasn't joking. We're going to plan more meet ups and days out. It will do me good. Im speaking to a girl called Natalie, so we'll see how that goes.. Just had a b...