January 9th Friday.

I was telling the boys earlier about last night, and i said how I know it was my dad and they laughed at me. I bet they think ive lost my mind. Have I though? Can't help but think some times that I may of indeed lost my mind. Death can do that. It rewires your brain. I look at life differently, I have more empathy. I say i love you alot, I even randomly message it to my kids and family. I know first hand how short life can be. I was given a second chance when my cancer was cut away. A new sober Ann-Louise. Im stronger than I think. My friends came this morning to drop me some presents and a card off for my birthday tomorrow. I really have the best friends. 42 tomorrow and have zero will to live. I said to my mum earlier that I wished I was dead, she said we'll youre not, so cheer up. Oh thanks mum, that did the trick! Fucking idiot. Swear she doesnt think before she speaks. That was the end of the conversation. Im going mums Sunday to get my hair done. Jesse is going a Man United match with Damian, Jasper and Jensen, so thought I'd get my hair done. That girl I was speaking to is no more. She sent some voice notes that she was clearly drunk on and i just thought to myself, no thanks. If im honest I can't even be bothered with meeting anyone, it'll happen when the time is right. Its in God's hands.