January 21st Wednesday.

Just sat thinking about the morning of my sons death. The police telling me he was dead. I remember saying "it cant be my son", as tears rolled from my eyes. My hands trembling as I searched for Damians number in my phone. I felt like someone had just punched me in my stomach. It haunts me. This is grief. This is my life. Ive been ok today and then out of nowhere, grief just smacks you in the face. Why did my son kill himself? A question i ask regularly. Ill never know what my son was thinking that morning, and that kills me inside. Why didn't he just ring me? God it kills me inside everyday. If its not Jay-Dees death I relive, I'll be reliving my dad's death. Living is torture. Death would be peaceful. Ill never have a quiet mind. There's always something going on in my head. Ive not got a quiet brain, there's always something going on. Sometimes I play song lyrics over and over in my head. Drives me insane. Date day tomorrow, its come round so fast. Yes, im nervous, but im going to go. Can't hurt can it. If i dont like her, ill just message her when I get home haha. Hoping we click, it'd be nice. Don't think im ready mentally to let anyone in. I enjoy my own space. Its going to be hard to open up. Anyway, made a spag bol for tea. Quick and easy and everyone loves it, so winner. Ive got all my boys with me under one roof. Jay-Dee might be in an urn, but at least hes with his mum and brothers. Forever sad..