January 7th Wednesday.

You know what ive just realised, sat having a conversation with Jesse and it hit me, how present i am as a parent. I sit with Jasper and Jensen and we have conversations. Getting sober changed me. Feel like i was given the chance to start over. Im a better person and a better parent. If I could go back and get sober sooner, I would. The bond i have with my kids since getting sober is unreal. We're all like best friends. So blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, it'll kill me inside for the rest of my life and for him I will stay sober for as long as I can. I know Jay-Dee and my dad are proud of me, and so are my other 3 boys. I have to stay sober for them. Took Jesse school today. He held my hand all the way because of the ice. Little moments I cherish. Went the cafe see my friends, we just picked up where we left off. Went Asda and got some meat, so we've had pork dinner for tea. Was lovely. Glad I got out of the house today, did me good. This house was starting to consume me. Don't feel to bad today mentally speaking. Im doing ok. Can't wait go bed though. Just love being asleep. Hate waking up. Hate it. Thankful I do, but also a bit gutted at the same time. Imagine if all of this was a dream, and when we die, we wake up? Because this is hell on earth for me..