January 31st Saturday.

Jasper's just had his braces fitted. He just smiled at me and I saw Jay-Dee. He looks so much like him. Miss Jay-Dee and my dad so much. It hurts my heart that they're no longer here with me. Im sad today. January is finally over. Thank god. Spring is around the corner. Im 4 years and 1 month sober. Thank you Jesus. I pray for strength and ive made it through the first month of the year. I can do this. Im stronger than I think. Today's just a bad day. Tomorrow could be better and thats what im living for. The 'better days'. Im healing and its going to take some time, I need to stop being so hard on myself. Im drowning in grief, but somehow manage to stay afloat. I get my strength from my children and with the power of prayer. Thank god I have my faith to keep me sane. First thing I do now when im feeling down is pray. You might think im crazy and I probably am, but prayer helps me and thats the main thing. Anyway, going back to Jasper. Hes just had his braces fitted and he'll have them on for 2 years. Hes over the moon hes going to have perfect teeth. Jesses in the kitchen currently making a base out of blankets. Don't ask.. its keeping him good thats the main thing and ive just found something to watch on Prime. Did all my washing yesterday, so I have zero washing to do. So today im having a lazy pj day. Not feeling life today. That's ok. Im always going to have days like today. I could cry if im honest, but my medication won't allow me! Honestly feel so numb. I just dont know what to do about my medication. I hate taking it, but i know I need it and at the same time, I want to feel something other than this void im feeling inside. Oh I dont know. Maybe its just how im feeling lately. I just want to be normal...