January 3rd Saturday.

Jesse went with Damian hours ago for a sleepover. Ive been my sisters to meet her and my brother and its been really nice to just have a bit of me time. They were drinking and obviously I wasn't. Miss it some times you know. Sobriety is hard work. Ive decided im going to start running when Jesse goes back school. Im nervous about it, but my sister said it really helps to clear your mind and let's face it, ive got nothing else to do in my life. So yeah, im thinking of starting to run. Ive got Jasper here for a sleepover. I see him every single day even though he lives with Damian, I hope he visits me everyday as he gets older. I just love having my boys around me. Keeps me going. Not going lie, im enjoying my Jesse free night. Ive just showered and now im playing a bit of music through my headphones. A little bit of me time. Im going church in the morning, I can't wait. Definitely getting my hair done next week before I shave it all off. I miss having no hair. Due know earlier I had to section my hair off to brush it. It was all matted in the back. Honestly ive let myself go. Depression has been chipping away at me for years, im broken. My world seems to be so dark. My sister had music on earlier and i said put Jay-Dees song on, The Smiths This Charming Man. She said no because it would make me sad. She's probably right. Im tired of trying to be normal, im driving myself crazy. Don't even know what normal feels like. Im heavily medicated just to get through each day. Morning meds and night time meds and I fucking hate the fact that the only reason im alive is because of medication. Sad isn't it? I'd be dead without Olanzopine. Its an antipsychotic and its changed how I see the world. I had a psychotic breakdown a few years ago. I see things like angel numbers all the time, I was seeing shadows at night. Makes me realise how far ive come. Honestly though, I refuse to survive this year. If im not living some sort of better life come the middle of this year, im gone. Can not do another year hanging on by a thread. I deserve some happiness, im desperate for happiness. Going push myself to meet up with my friends more, i need to get out of this depression. Only i can help me, well, me and my psychiatrist haha. Im 42 a week today. 42 and ive got no aspirations, no desire to live and i feel like im stuck in a dark hole. I refuse to give in to depression..