January 20th Tuesday.

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Jesse hasn't gone school, he woke me up about 6am running to the toilet to be sick. He hasn't actually been sick he just keeps going sick. Hes spent the day just lying on the settee and hes been in bed for the past hour and its only 6pm, so I know something is wrong with him. If hes not sick tonight he will have to go school tomorrow. Im meeting that girl Thursday at China Gardens. Bit nervous, but it can't hurt to go on a date. Anyway, ive felt like shit all day today. Got no energy. I just want to sleep my life away. Can't wait go bed. Life seriously needs to improve. Really need to lose weight, but I feel like im always hungry! Fucking hate having to be on medication. Fucking hate my life!! Fed up of having depression. Ive just got to remind myself of the better days. Its hard! Wonder when ill die, and i wonder how ill die. You ever think about it, or is it just me? Weird to think one day will be your last day, but you just dont know which day. Crazy isn't it. Guess thats why they say live for today. Tomorrow isn't promised is it? I think life is going to consume me and I'll end up killing myself. Let's see where this date goes Thursday. It could be the start of something new. Happiness maybe?? Who knows. Im not going force myself to make conversations, if it doesnt flow naturally, I will be telling her. Life's too short to settle. Why am I so nervous about going on this date? What the fuck is wrong with me? Think im scared of getting attached to someone and it going wrong all over again. I dont want be with someone who argues either. Im looking for peace and love, im not arguing with anyone. Ill just walk away. You know what, im that use to doing life by myself, i know what im not going to put up with like I use to. My mind is strong. Hence the reason ive not killed myself. Don't know where I get my strength from. Well I do, its my boys. My reasons to live. Can't believe how strong I am mentally. I dont give into intrusive thoughts and I know what im not going to settle for in a relationship. Im happy with it just been me and my boys. If we click, we click. We'll see.

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