January 15th Thursday.

Just sat thinking of my son stepping off the 17th floor of a multistory car park.. thats grief. Ive been fine all day and then, boom! Hits me all over again. Visions in my head torture me. Grief is very sneaky. He died instantly, thank God. He wasn't suffering and in pain. My heart aches. Can't even describe how im feeling. Got a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Waves of nausea keep passing through my body. Grief is horrible. This is the reality of my life. I will be grieving forever. A grieving daughter and a grieving mother.. I miss my father and son so much. Today is a shit day. Jesses nearly done a full week. Ive been forcing myself to take him. My brother booked a table for tomorrow afternoon at Brindley Farm. Well, 4:30pm. Myself, my sister, her kids and my kids, we're all meeting up for a birthday carvery for mine and Athenas birthday and my brother is paying for everyone. Looking forward to it. Then we're going back my sisters for a few hours. Can't stay out too long because I dont like leaving my animals on their own. Sad arent I haha. I love my pets like my own children. Crazy how much I love my dog and cat. Im still speaking to that girl. She assures me she doesnt drink alot. I dunno, some times I think im ready move on and then some times im just happy on my own. We'll just have see how it goes. Might go see my mate Rachael later. Ill see if I can be bothered. Anyway, bye.