January 19th Monday.

Got up took Jesse school, sat on my bed at 7:15am and contemplated life. Woke Jesse up and got on with my day. Felt a bit shit today. Its been a long boring day and i can't wait go bed. Been to collect my medication. Jensen took me after he finished work. Depressing knowing i could be on medication for the rest of my just to stay afloat. Hate taking my meds, especially my morning meds. The size of the capsules makes me gag. Ive thrown up a few times trying to swallow them in the past. Its grim. I just know I need them and I shouldn't be ashamed of that, but I am. I wish I was some what normal. How nice it would be to live your life without having suicidal thoughts. Without walking and thinking of stepping into on coming traffic. You know what stops me? I always think to myself, i wouldnt die, i just be paralysed from the neck down or something. That's how unlucky I am. Just won't die! Still speaking to Natalie, we're meant be meeting this week, thats if I dont chicken out haha. Told you, I feel like im forcing myself, but i guess it would do me good going on a date. I dunno, we'll see. She's well aware I suffer with depression, but I dont think she knows the depth of it. I can have days where im in a really dark place and i dont want be chatting or making small talk. Not got the energy for it. Im drained all the time as it is. That's just from life. Damians having Jesse over night this weekend and I can't wait. Im going my sisters watch a movie and eat snacks. We're having a pj night. Ill come home after a few hours though because I dont like leaving my animals for long. Im so sad, I know. Really need to diet. Just keep thinking lifes too short. Eat the cake! Got a holiday in July and even that's not motivating me. Ill try tomorrow LoL.