Cancer, Depression and Me.

Im not who I was and I dont know who I am anymore.. I feel so very lost in life. I just stared at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted in what I saw. The weight gain from the medication and Menopause is unreal. I stared into my own eyes and saw nothing. I died inside the day my father died, and I went to a whole new level of death, when my son died. I didnt think anything else could be worse in my life, than my dads death, and then my son died. Then my son went and left me.... He knew I was struggling but he left me anyway. He left me behind. I was fighting my depression for my 4 boys and then one dies. I am a broken woman. Ive lost my identity, but how do I find myself again? Please, someone tell me how?? God, how am I making it through each day? I am stronger than I think, clearly. My strength comes from my children. A piece of my heart is in heaven with my dad and my son. People say, the grief stays the same forever, but you learn to grow around it. How do I grow, when im so ver

I was doing ok today until I looked in the food cupboard and spotted Jay-Dees little tub of seasoning he brought for his chicken and rice, and its made me feel sad. It's always going to happen isn't it? I'm always going to come across things that remind me of my son. Life is so cruel. It still doesn't seem real that my son is gone forever. Can't get my head around it, my heart yearns for my child. I had my 2nd session of the bereavement course I'm on yesterday. Once again I cried talking about my child. I know my grief will never end and I know I've got to learn to live with it, but it's hard. It's really hard, I miss my son more than anything in the world. Anyway, I'm just cooking a cottage pie so it's all ready for tea time. The weeks are passing me by, life is passing me by whilst I'm stuck in grief. My life stopped, but the world carried on spinning. I started to grieve the day my dad told me he had terminal cancer. That was 5 years a

How are we in October already? Not taken Jesse school this morning, I couldnt bring myself to get out of bed. I feel drained. Im sat thinking about, when I made the decision to take dads oxygen off him and then he died a few hours after. Dad wouldnt of wanted to lie in that bed dying any longer, I know this, yet im still questioning myself. The oxygen was just prolonging his inevetable death. God, im plaqued with grief, its consuming me today! Ive told myself 3 times, that this is just a bad day and tomorrow could be better. I plan on going the gym again tomorrow with my friends, it will do me good. But seriously, how are we in October? It will be Christmas soon and im dreading it. I dont want to celebrate Christmas anymore, but I know im going have to for Jesse-Johns sake. Hes only 8 so he doesnt understand how depressed I am over losing my child. He knows Jay-Dee has died but I dont think he really understands. Unless youve lost a child, you wont understand the pain I feel inside. It