Cancer, Depression and Me.

I tried to crochet yesterday and its safe to say I wasted my money buying the kit. It infuriated me trying to do it. So its a no to crochet! I feel better today, than I did yesterday. Still depressed as shit but, better than yesterday. Im still alive so thats a plus I guess.. I keep pushing through them bad days and im doing it, im just not sure how. Jesse went watch Man United last night with Damian and stayed over in a hotel for the night. The bond they have is amazing. Makes me feel so proud of how we parent our children. I dont really have anything to say, I said before how I dont talk much anymore. Its pretty sad. Stripped my bed today and washed it all, now I have the task of making it all. Love fresh bedding, hate making the bed. I need something to happen in life, I need to be able to wake up and smile about being alive. Surely, the universe has got to bless me somehow? I cant keep living like this, im just not enjoying being alive and it makes me sad. Im going to paint Jesses

With tears streaming down my face, I type this blog. Really struggling today, my mental health is shocking. I honestly wish I was dead. I dont think I can do this anymore. Im tired of fighting everyday. Im just so fucking tired of being alive. Im mentally tired of life. How selfish is it that I have to stay alive for my kids. I wish someone would just say, "its ok to go now". I wish my kids could live without me. Im literally forcing myself to stay alive for my kids. Ive been awake since early hours with really bad acid in my throat and ive thrown my guts up. Im tired, I know im tired because im crying alot. I ordered a beginners crochet set that is coming today. Lets hope it occupies my mind. I keep thinking about how I have enough medication to kill myself. Do you know how hard it is to battle suicidal idiation? Its fucking torture!! My psychiatrist wants me to do some more bereavement counselling but not at the moment, she thinks its too soon. Its been 21 weeks without my

Jesse went a Halloween thing Sunday with Damian, at Trentham Gardens and yesterday I spent the day with my sister, carving pumpkins with Jesse and my niece Athena. Myself and my sister did each others hair and watched a horror and today I've literally just battled with suicidal thoughts. I keep having visions of me hanging. When I'm stuck in the house I have to battle with my own thoughts. My mind needs to be occupied all the time.  I need a hobby don't I? God I hate being alive. I've just had to drag my dryer outside because my new one comes tomorrow.  Yes, my dryer packed in a week ago. I've been drying my washing on the radiators. It's been a stressful week. Crazy how much we rely on things like a dryer. I don't feel too good today, my friend was meant to be coming who I've not seen for ages but, I've been awake through the night with a bad stomach and really bad acid. Anyway, I might be having a shit day but, my hair looks good I guess. I was thi

21 weeks without my son. It's not getting any easier. I think about my child every single day. The past few days, myself and Damian have been moving Jesse into Jay-Dees room. We've left some of Jay-Dees things in there. Jay-Dee brought a canvas, from a film he said changed his outlook on life,  called Everything Everywhere All At Once. If you haven't watched it, give it a watch because it kind of blows your mind. So we've kept his canvas up in his room and a few other little bits. Jesse has spent the last 2 nights in his own room so I've been cleaning my room,  now I've finally got a room to myself.  I've been gutting my kitchen, because Jesse's computer and desk was in there, so now my kitchen looks twice the size. It's kept me busy and it's occupied my mind. I cried a few times whilst Damian was cleaning and sorting Jay-Dees bedroom. Life was never meant to be like this. It's Sunday today, the hardest day of the week for me. I despise Sunda

I've done nothing but cry all day. My mind and body are tired. Not like a normal tired, my soul is tired of fighting. Losing my Dad was hard. Having cancer was hard. But to lose a child.. I can't even put into words how it feels. I am a broken woman.  How Damian has managed to sort all Jay-Dees belongings today, I will never know. That's strength. I feel so sad that his room has been gutted. Today is a bad day but I just refuse to give up. I'd love to be able kill myself and just be done with this life, because I've truly had all I can take, but to leave my 3 other children without a mother, is not an option unfortunately.  I'm going have an early night and hope for a better day tomorrow. 

Damian is here sorting Jay-Dees room out. Ive broke my heart. Hes made of strong stuff because I personally couldnt do it. If it was down to me, id never empty his room, but everything is going in the loft, apart from a few things im keeping in my room with me. I wrote before about Jesse still being in my room with me, so its time for him to move into his own room now. Life is so hard. I attended my bereavement course yesterday, talked about my dad and my son again. It does me the world of good being able to talk about them both and having people there who listen and share their stories of bereavement, gives me comfort. I know im not the only person dealing with grief. People seem to be able to handle thier grief better than I am, why do I struggle so much with death when im so comfortable with dying? Not taken Jesse school today, my medication makes it so hard to get up some mornings. I fucking hate my life. Ive been so suicidal the past week, im really struggling, but I see my psychi

To sit and have to ask yourself, what is my purpose, is really sad. Im struggling today. Mental health will be the death of me, I just know it. Im really struggling with wanting to stay alive, and the sad thing is, I have no choice but to stay here and try and live. My boys need me. I feel like grief is consuming me. I feel like I have the weight of the world weighing me down. Grief feels heavy today. Im living in limbo, part of me wants to die, and part of me fights to stay alive. Being alive is hard work! It hit me again earlier that ill never get to see my child again. Grief is sneaky, it just creeps up then, boom!! hits you all over again. Ive not been feeling life lately, im not finding any enjoyment in being alive. God im so depressed.

I was so suicidal last night. I was sat crying, wondering how I'm going to get through this. I sat with my head in my hands, crying, asking myself, how will I get through this. I had to sort of shake myself out of how I was feeling.  Told myself over and over that I'm going to be ok, but if I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever be ok again, and that scares me. I had to get Jesse off his computer to bath him, to try and snap myself out of how I was feeling. It worked, I bathed Jesse and we got in bed, then Jesse started crying, saying how much he misses Jay-Dee.  Oh life is so hard.  My son Jasper has messaged saying he wants to leave college early because he's ready cry. Why did you have to leave Jay-Dee 😭 We're all silently struggling.  I have this blog to get my emotions out, it does me good to type about how I'm feeling. Gets it out of my system. Jesse breaks up for half term this Thursday, I'm going have to try and do activities with him so this h

Havent done anything this weekend except grieve. I know it going to take time, I know that. Its 20 weeks today, 5 months since ive seen my son. Where has the past 5 months gone? I feel so sad inside, I just want to sleep forever. I look and feel a mess. My whole life is a mess. Im not sure how im going to get better, mentally. Is this me, forever now? Is this how life is going to be? Every waking moment of the day, thinking of my child and all the things that could of been. I dont think it matters how many days or weeks its been, I dont think you can just move on in life, after the death of a child. I know its still early days, I have to remind myself that, but living is torture at the moment. Im not enjoying anything about being alive. My life is like a series of unfortunate events. Things can only get better now, surely? Ive got to wash my hair today, I HATE washing my hair. Honestly in 2 minds whether shave it all off!! I just hate my hair, I dont know why. It just falls out loads a

Not going to lie, Liam Paynes death has kinda triggered me. The way hes died and having drugs in his system. My son fell to his death from the 17th floor of a multi story car park. I feel sick just thinking about it, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. He was under the influence of drugs because hed been to a rave till the early hours. It kills me inside, everyday, his death is on my mind. Every single moment of the day. Nearly 5 months without my child, its not getting any easier, if anything I miss him more as the days go by. Every day I live is a day closer to my death where I will see my son and dad again. Feeling pretty shitty today, I feel shitty most days, if not everyday if im honest. I am simply just surviving.

Im stuck in limbo, I so desperately want to be with my son and I also want to stay with my other children. Why did life have to be this way? Why did my son have to die? Why did cancer take my father? Why did I survive cancer? I have so many questions and zero answers. Im angry at life for being so cruel! I replayed in my head earlier, the phone call I made to Jay-Dees dad, moments after the police told me my son was dead. I remember trembling hands trying to find Damians name in my contacts. I remember having to tell him his son was dead, and as I replayed it all, my hairs stood tall and my body went cold. Why is my brain replaying these things? Its torture. Ive been out shopping today with Jensen and I find myself smiling, thinking how blessed I am, and then in that same instant that I smile, a wave of sadness hits me about the loss of my son. Jasper will be home from college soon and it will be time for me to get Jesse, time to put a smile on my face and say "im ok" when p

Week 4 of my bereavement course today. I cried for the whole 2 hours, talking about my dad and my son. Id say I feel better for crying, but I dont. I feel very emotional today. I told them how I have this silent scream inside of me, that desperately wants to come out. I think thats what I need, I need to scream out loud. It will be 20 weeks on Sunday without my son. How on earth have I made it through the last 5 months?? Everything is a blur. Im stuck in grief and life is passing me by. I was telling them on the course that it will be 4 years for my dad next month, and how ive got no recollection of the past 4 years. I honestly dont know how im doing life. I just dont understand how im still functioning. Im so tired, mentally speaking. Im drained. Grief is draining isnt it? I told them today that the only reason im alive today is because of my other children, or id happily join my son and dad. I broke my heart. What a shit day.

Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Had a shit day, but today I've gotten up and taken him to school. Just taken my dog for a walk and been Asda. Same shit, different day! My life is like groundhog day, I dunno, maybe I'm still feeling a bit shitty. People praise me for being so strong, but I'm not strong. If I was I wouldn't be reliant on medication to keep me alive. I've just told a friend I was speaking to, that the medication has saved my life. Before I was put on Olanzopine I wasn't leaving my bed, I was in such a dark, dark place. I just wanted to die. If it wasn't for the medication I know I wouldn't be here. Very powerful stuff is Olanzopine.  It's an anti psychotic medication and I belive hand on heart, it saved my life. I'm not strong, I just put on a strong front. I smile and the whole time, I'm dying inside.

19 weeks today. Since my son tragically died. Today, Damian is coming to start sorting Jay-Dees room. I cant bring myself to help him. Im keeping his work jacket with me, but the rest of his things are going in the loft. We'll not get rid of anything, I couldnt bare to throw his things away. When is the right time to sort his room out? Jesses 8 and hes still in my bedroom, so we decided to start sorting the room out for Jesse to move into. Not really sure how I feel about it, I want Jesse in his own room, but I also dont want to lose Jay-Dees room. Why prolong the inevitable, its got to be sorted at some point, im just glad its Damian doing it, because I cant even go in the room for longer than a few minutes. It kills me inside. My son Jensen has started the process with work, for a permanent move to Colombia, where his girl friend lives. I am going to miss him so much but hes got to do whats right for him. I couldnt be prouder of my boys. Ive told him hes got to ring me at least o

So, I met up with my sister. We had coffee, I got my new tattoo, ill put a photo on, and then we went Christmas shopping. My sister brought so much for her children and I didn't buy a thing. I couldn't bring myself to buy anything christmassy, I told my sister, I'm not ever putting decorations up this year. I'll put some lights around my sons urn and hang the boys stockings above the fire and that's it. I know I should make more of an effort because of Jesse but, I'm sure he'll understand. I'm just not feeling festive at all. It will be 19 weeks on Sunday since I lost my child. 19 whole weeks of silent screams, 19 weeks of complete heartache. My heart actually aches.  Oh god, if I didn't have my other children I would happily kill myself.(big sighhh)

I've been thinking about my dad alot just lately, I just can't believe it will be 4 years next month since he passed away. I've got no recollection of the past 4 years. I'm not sure how I've made it through if I'm honest. My dad was the best dad ever, he went above and beyond for me and my children. I miss him so much it hurts. It's taken me 4 years to start getting better, and then my son died... I've got a brand new battle on my hands. My dad died from Esophageal Cancer, it starved him to death. It is a cruel cancer! I watched my dad, for 19 months battle his cancer. He literally fought until the very end. My hero he will always be. I don't think I could physically and mentally, take another death.  Death is inevitable, I know this, and everyday I get through, is a day closer to my death. Anyway, I went the gym yesterday and then me and my friend Kayleigh went Tesco and got ourselves some new gym wear. We've been going 5 weeks now. Tomorrow I s

So, this morning, I've been the cafe for an hour, walked Asda get stuff for tea, walked my dog, hoovered downstairs, done a load of washing and done my dishes. All before dinner time. Had a bit of a manic morning I think. How am I feeling today? I dunno, I'm just sad all the time. Went into Jay-Dees room earlier and just stood there for a while. Can't bring myself to sort through his things, so Damian is going to sort his room at some point. I'm not getting rid of any of his clothes or trainers, they can all go in the loft where I know they're safe. Our son should still be here, life is so unfair! All I do everyday, is wait for the time to go fast so I can climb back into bed. I say I've got no motivation but I've done alot this morning. Some days I don't do a thing, except wish the day away. I'm so depressed it's unreal. I fight so hard everyday to just stay alive, its draining. I just want to feel some sort of happiness. Am I asking for too muc

I didn't end up going the gym yesterday, instead I made cheese and beans on toast, and enjoyed it in peace. Jesse was with Damian, it was so peaceful.  You can't beat cheesy beans on toast. Had a shit day today, I went the gym and walked my dog, then I spent a few hours just lying on the settee under my blanket.  Didn't feel like talking in the cafe this morning. I have days where I barely speak. I'm guessing that's normal in grief? I've never got anything say anymore, it's so sad. I could happily go mute, and not say another word. That's how sad I am inside, the only words I want to say are about my dead child. I've got nothing in my life except my children. THE only reason I wake up everyday, is for my children. Honestly, I would of killed myself by now if I didn't have them. If something doesn't give, I'm scared I'll end up dead. This isn't living, this is purely, surviving.  I'm in survival mode everyday, I get no enjoymen

It's been 18 weeks today since my son took his own life. I don't know how I'm getting through this, but I am. 18 weeks of heartache. Just taken my dog for a walk and to be honest, I'm having a shit day. Minds on overdrive. So fucking fed up of bad shit happening in my life. I hate Sundays! Jesse's going with Damian today, he goes every Sunday, so I'm contemplating going the gym for an hour. I want to go but I've got anxiety about going alone. I have to tell myself, many times, that nothing will happen to me, I will be ok.  Anxiety and depression have ruined my life and having grief ontop of it all.. I don't know how I'm making it through each day if I'm honest!. I can either sit on my arsenal feeling like shit, or I can go the gym. God I've got no motivation today. Anyway, I'll let you know if I go. I'm actually going to get my gym clothes on to see if that helps.

Im not who I was and I dont know who I am anymore.. I feel so very lost in life. I just stared at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted in what I saw. The weight gain from the medication and Menopause is unreal. I stared into my own eyes and saw nothing. I died inside the day my father died, and I went to a whole new level of death, when my son died. I didnt think anything else could be worse in my life, than my dads death, and then my son died. Then my son went and left me.... He knew I was struggling but he left me anyway. He left me behind. I was fighting my depression for my 4 boys and then one dies. I am a broken woman. Ive lost my identity, but how do I find myself again? Please, someone tell me how?? God, how am I making it through each day? I am stronger than I think, clearly. My strength comes from my children. A piece of my heart is in heaven with my dad and my son. People say, the grief stays the same forever, but you learn to grow around it. How do I grow, when im so ver

I was doing ok today until I looked in the food cupboard and spotted Jay-Dees little tub of seasoning he brought for his chicken and rice, and its made me feel sad. It's always going to happen isn't it? I'm always going to come across things that remind me of my son. Life is so cruel. It still doesn't seem real that my son is gone forever. Can't get my head around it, my heart yearns for my child. I had my 2nd session of the bereavement course I'm on yesterday. Once again I cried talking about my child. I know my grief will never end and I know I've got to learn to live with it, but it's hard. It's really hard, I miss my son more than anything in the world. Anyway, I'm just cooking a cottage pie so it's all ready for tea time. The weeks are passing me by, life is passing me by whilst I'm stuck in grief. My life stopped, but the world carried on spinning. I started to grieve the day my dad told me he had terminal cancer. That was 5 years a

How are we in October already? Not taken Jesse school this morning, I couldnt bring myself to get out of bed. I feel drained. Im sat thinking about, when I made the decision to take dads oxygen off him and then he died a few hours after. Dad wouldnt of wanted to lie in that bed dying any longer, I know this, yet im still questioning myself. The oxygen was just prolonging his inevetable death. God, im plaqued with grief, its consuming me today! Ive told myself 3 times, that this is just a bad day and tomorrow could be better. I plan on going the gym again tomorrow with my friends, it will do me good. But seriously, how are we in October? It will be Christmas soon and im dreading it. I dont want to celebrate Christmas anymore, but I know im going have to for Jesse-Johns sake. Hes only 8 so he doesnt understand how depressed I am over losing my child. He knows Jay-Dee has died but I dont think he really understands. Unless youve lost a child, you wont understand the pain I feel inside. It