October 7th Monday.

I didn't end up going the gym yesterday, instead I made cheese and beans on toast, and enjoyed it in peace. Jesse was with Damian, it was so peaceful. 

You can't beat cheesy beans on toast.

Had a shit day today, I went the gym and walked my dog, then I spent a few hours just lying on the settee under my blanket. 

Didn't feel like talking in the cafe this morning. I have days where I barely speak. I'm guessing that's normal in grief?

I've never got anything say anymore, it's so sad. I could happily go mute, and not say another word. That's how sad I am inside, the only words I want to say are about my dead child. I've got nothing in my life except my children. THE only reason I wake up everyday, is for my children.

Honestly, I would of killed myself by now if I didn't have them.

If something doesn't give, I'm scared I'll end up dead. This isn't living, this is purely, surviving. 

I'm in survival mode everyday, I get no enjoyment from life, at all.

I feel like I have a darkness inside, like an empty, dark hole in the pit of my stomach.

I've lost alot of people that meant the world to me the past few years.

I'm riddled with grief.

Please God, keep giving me strength to make it through each day 🙏🏼