October 15th Tuesday.

-
Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Had a shit day, but today I've gotten up and taken him to school. Just taken my dog for a walk and been Asda.
Same shit, different day!
My life is like groundhog day, I dunno, maybe I'm still feeling a bit shitty.
People praise me for being so strong, but I'm not strong. If I was I wouldn't be reliant on medication to keep me alive. I've just told a friend I was speaking to, that the medication has saved my life.
Before I was put on Olanzopine I wasn't leaving my bed, I was in such a dark, dark place. I just wanted to die. If it wasn't for the medication I know I wouldn't be here. Very powerful stuff is Olanzopine. 
It's an anti psychotic medication and I belive hand on heart, it saved my life.
I'm not strong, I just put on a strong front.
I smile and the whole time, I'm dying inside.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

September 26th Thursday.

-
Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o...
Read more

August 12th Yesterday.

-
Yesterday was 10 weeks since my son tragically passed away, but instead of sitting in the house crying, myself, Damian, Louise and the kids went to Blackpool to watch the AirShow. I had the best day and what made it even better is being with people that are grieving the loss of Jay-Dee too. We talked about Jay-Dee many times throughout the day and it did me good having Damian and Louise to talk to. I love talking about our son, it keeps his memory alive. Im absoloutely shattered today, it was a long day with lots of walking. Theres not many familys that can do things together like we do and it makes me feel proud. Its how it should be so that our children can grow up together regardless of whether we live in seperate households. I thought about Jay-Dee the whole day but still mangaed to have the best day. The weather was amazing too, the sun was shinning the whole day. I really did have the best day. Its days like yesterday that keep me going. I have to tell myself on the bad days, tha...
Read more