October 21st Monday.

I was so suicidal last night.

I was sat crying, wondering how I'm going to get through this.

I sat with my head in my hands, crying, asking myself, how will I get through this.

I had to sort of shake myself out of how I was feeling. 

Told myself over and over that I'm going to be ok, but if I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever be ok again, and that scares me.

I had to get Jesse off his computer to bath him, to try and snap myself out of how I was feeling.

It worked, I bathed Jesse and we got in bed, then Jesse started crying, saying how much he misses Jay-Dee. 

Oh life is so hard. 

My son Jasper has messaged saying he wants to leave college early because he's ready cry.

Why did you have to leave Jay-Dee 😭

We're all silently struggling. 

I have this blog to get my emotions out, it does me good to type about how I'm feeling. Gets it out of my system.

Jesse breaks up for half term this Thursday, I'm going have to try and do activities with him so this house doesn't consume me.

Only problem is, I have zero motivation but I really am going to try my best to get out of the house more.

I am trying, you know.

I am really trying to get better.

Told myself yesterday that Monday will be a better day, and it is. Its not great but I feel a bit better than I did yesterday.