October 30th Wednesday.

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With tears streaming down my face, I type this blog. Really struggling today, my mental health is shocking. I honestly wish I was dead. I dont think I can do this anymore. Im tired of fighting everyday. Im just so fucking tired of being alive. Im mentally tired of life. How selfish is it that I have to stay alive for my kids. I wish someone would just say, "its ok to go now". I wish my kids could live without me. Im literally forcing myself to stay alive for my kids. Ive been awake since early hours with really bad acid in my throat and ive thrown my guts up. Im tired, I know im tired because im crying alot. I ordered a beginners crochet set that is coming today. Lets hope it occupies my mind. I keep thinking about how I have enough medication to kill myself. Do you know how hard it is to battle suicidal idiation? Its fucking torture!! My psychiatrist wants me to do some more bereavement counselling but not at the moment, she thinks its too soon. Its been 21 weeks without my child and all ive thought about everyday since his death is killing myself. It will be 4 years next month since my dad passed away, and ive struggled for the past 4 years with suicidal thoughts. Im really struggling. I know its only early days since my son passed away but, if something doesnt give in my life, I wont see Christmas.

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