October 13th Sunday. 19 weeks.

19 weeks today. Since my son tragically died. Today, Damian is coming to start sorting Jay-Dees room. I cant bring myself to help him. Im keeping his work jacket with me, but the rest of his things are going in the loft. We'll not get rid of anything, I couldnt bare to throw his things away. When is the right time to sort his room out? Jesses 8 and hes still in my bedroom, so we decided to start sorting the room out for Jesse to move into. Not really sure how I feel about it, I want Jesse in his own room, but I also dont want to lose Jay-Dees room. Why prolong the inevitable, its got to be sorted at some point, im just glad its Damian doing it, because I cant even go in the room for longer than a few minutes. It kills me inside. My son Jensen has started the process with work, for a permanent move to Colombia, where his girl friend lives. I am going to miss him so much but hes got to do whats right for him. I couldnt be prouder of my boys. Ive told him hes got to ring me at least once a day. Its going to be hard without him. Jasper got his hair cut yesterday, it was pretty long, covering his face and now he looks like Jay-Dee. Damian said the same thing. Jesse, everyday, randomly says "i love you mum". It keeps me going. 3 little words, I love you and it hits me every time, why I fight to stay alive. Im so tired of feeling sad and drained. Sundays are a hard day for me. I ask myself everyday, why did my son end his life? It will torture me for the rest of my life. Some days, I think im doing ok and some days, im falling apart. Everyday, all day long, no matter what im doing, my son is on my mind.