October 27th Sunday.

21 weeks without my son.

It's not getting any easier. I think about my child every single day.

The past few days, myself and Damian have been moving Jesse into Jay-Dees room. We've left some of Jay-Dees things in there. Jay-Dee brought a canvas, from a film he said changed his outlook on life,  called Everything Everywhere All At Once.

If you haven't watched it, give it a watch because it kind of blows your mind. So we've kept his canvas up in his room and a few other little bits.

Jesse has spent the last 2 nights in his own room so I've been cleaning my room,  now I've finally got a room to myself. 

I've been gutting my kitchen, because Jesse's computer and desk was in there, so now my kitchen looks twice the size.

It's kept me busy and it's occupied my mind.

I cried a few times whilst Damian was cleaning and sorting Jay-Dees bedroom.

Life was never meant to be like this.

It's Sunday today, the hardest day of the week for me. I despise Sundays.

Sunday took my Dad and my son from me.

I'm going my sisters tomorrow to have some Halloween fun, carvings pumpkins with the kids, so that will do me good.

I don't feel like doing anything if I'm honest, getting out of bed is a task in itself but, I'll take Jesse and ill put a smile on my face. 

The other day, I found myself practicing my smile in the mirror. How sad is it that I was practicing smiling? God I'm so miserable inside, I'm filled with sadness, yet I have to carry on with life.

I was sat thinking earlier how I can't do this life anymore. I'm so tired of being alive.

I honestly wish I was dead.