October 1st 2024

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How are we in October already? Not taken Jesse school this morning, I couldnt bring myself to get out of bed. I feel drained. Im sat thinking about, when I made the decision to take dads oxygen off him and then he died a few hours after. Dad wouldnt of wanted to lie in that bed dying any longer, I know this, yet im still questioning myself. The oxygen was just prolonging his inevetable death. God, im plaqued with grief, its consuming me today! Ive told myself 3 times, that this is just a bad day and tomorrow could be better. I plan on going the gym again tomorrow with my friends, it will do me good. But seriously, how are we in October? It will be Christmas soon and im dreading it. I dont want to celebrate Christmas anymore, but I know im going have to for Jesse-Johns sake. Hes only 8 so he doesnt understand how depressed I am over losing my child. He knows Jay-Dee has died but I dont think he really understands. Unless youve lost a child, you wont understand the pain I feel inside. Its unbareable. Today is definitely a bad day mentally. I dont know how im getting through each day if im honest. Im 1,004 days sober today. God I have wanted a drink so much just lately and not once have I caved. Why though, why havent I just had a drink. Im grown adult that can have a drink if I want, so whats stopping me? I think deep down, my kids would be devastated if I started drinking again. I dont want to dissopoint them. So I guess thats why I stay sober. Oh and the fact that id probably kill myself if I had a drink. To stay sober, is to stay alive. Sobriety is hard bloody work! I miss the old me, I miss being outgoing and bubbly and ive got to face the fact that, the old me is gone forever. Grief has completely changed my life. I dont know who I am anymore.

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