October 17th Thursday.

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Im stuck in limbo, I so desperately want to be with my son and I also want to stay with my other children. Why did life have to be this way? Why did my son have to die? Why did cancer take my father? Why did I survive cancer? I have so many questions and zero answers. Im angry at life for being so cruel! I replayed in my head earlier, the phone call I made to Jay-Dees dad, moments after the police told me my son was dead. I remember trembling hands trying to find Damians name in my contacts. I remember having to tell him his son was dead, and as I replayed it all, my hairs stood tall and my body went cold. Why is my brain replaying these things? Its torture. Ive been out shopping today with Jensen and I find myself smiling, thinking how blessed I am, and then in that same instant that I smile, a wave of sadness hits me about the loss of my son. Jasper will be home from college soon and it will be time for me to get Jesse, time to put a smile on my face and say "im ok" when people ask me how im doing. Im not doing ok, im far from ok, but we carry on dont we?

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