Cancer, Depression and Me.

I'm just sat thinking about my son. I try to remember his voice in my mind and its hard. I can't remember my dad's voice, its been forever since ive heard him. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. 2026 has got to be a better year or I just won't make it out alive. I can't do another year like the last 5. I dont know how im still alive. The last 5 years since my father's death, have been a blur. My memory is shocking. I'm hanging on by a thread. Head is literally above water. Jesse's going back school tomorrow. I need to see my friends and get out of this house before it consumes me. Its 4pm and I just want to go bed. Fed up of being an adult. Jesse's gone out with Damian, so its just me and Jasper. Hes going soon though, he stayed over last night. Forced myself to shower, go me! Depression is killing me, that and grief. I need to find myself, 2026 has got to be my year. I'm praying for happiness. It would be so nice to write a happier blog....

Jesse was sick again last night so he's been off today. That's 4 days off sick and welfare have video called me to check on Jesse. The fuck do they think im doing with him? Anyway, its not been a bad day mentally. My brother has not long gone home so ive had company all day. Damian rang to see if Jesse wants a sleepover tonight, and even though he's still a bit poorly, he wanted to sleep over so he's not long just gone. A child free night and im spending it in my pjs with my dog and kitten. How fucking sad am I? Haven't got to get up early in the morning ao that's a bonus! Thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but having my brother here helped. Now im sat on my own, that's when I sit thinking about everything. Jesse asked me to put a Christmas tree up, but my heart isn't in it. I know im going have to put one up at some point, but im leaving it as long as possible. I'll just be glad when its over with. Its just money all the time an...

Ive been out to the shops this morning, get some fresh air. Jasper had a 2 hour break at college so he came home and watched Jesse. Hes going back school tomorrow. Hes better now. I'm currently sat with the dog and cat asleep on me thinking of my son. I'm just devastated. I miss him so so much. Its killing me. Will this type of grief ever get easier? Losing a parent is bad enough, but to lose a child.. that's something else. Its a pain ive never felt. My heart cries out everyday for my son. I was blessed to be his mother for 21 years. 21 years of age, it breaks my heart. I'll never understand why it had to be my dad and my son, and then my cancer in-between. Ive been dealt a rough life that I just wish would end. I can't see me ever getting better. How do you live after losing a child? I'm struggling. I could cry. Ive had enough of fighting everyday to stay alive. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders and its all grief. Grief is heavy. I'...

I didn't ask to be born. Don't even know what else to say. Not left the house since Monday because Jesse has a sickness bug and its not helping my mental health. Not seen anyone since Monday, I know its only 2 days ive been stuck in, but when you suffer with your mental health it feels like a lifetime. You know what was nice though, a few of my friends had messaged me to see if I was ok because I'd not been school. Warmed my heart. When I keep thinking no one cares, they do care. I feel blessed to have the friends I have. Feel like im in a rut with my depression, like im stuck and dont know how to get better. I'm not sure what im meant to do. I just keep showing up everyday. I'm literally forcing myself to live. I force myself every morning to get out of bed. I hate it. I hate waking up. Yes, im thankful I do, but im also gutted. My heads fucked. Want to be alive, but wouldnt mind dying.. if I dont laugh, i will cry and I promised myself i wouldnt cry infront of the...

Saw a post on Facebook that said, its ok if youre medicated everyday. So why do I feel so shit about the fact that I need medication to stay alive? Sick and tired of taking medication. Its literally keeping my head above water. I take 375mg of Venlafexine every morning, and that's the highest dose it goes upto, and then I take 15mg of Olanzopine about 7pm every night. Sick of taking my medication. Its numbed me. Some days i feel like coming off it all just so I can feel something, but then im scared ill kill myself without it. Ive been medicated since I can remember. It was always a low dose that never really helped and then my dad died and my depression got worse and the medication dose went up. I remember going to my doctor, breaking my heart, telling him I was going to kill myself. I remember saying this isn't a low mood, something is wrong with me and it was then that I was referred to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on Olanzopine and it really helped me. I said to ...

Wasn't going go the cafe this morning. I watched Jesse go in and headed off the school grounds. Saw my friend and she said was I going the craft group that's on this morning. Long story short, I left the school at half 10. We made Christmas cards to sell at the Christmas fare. Actually enjoyed it. Jasper came home at lunch time and spent the afternoon with me, which was nice. Then this evening ive been to see 2 of my friends for a catch up. Really pushed myself today. I feel drained from faking my smile all day. Its hard work trying to act like youre ok. When I was with my friends this evening, they were talking about who they're dating etc and I just sat there thinking to myself, am I going to be alone forever? Ive got no interest in meeting anyone. I'm too tired, mentally. Haven't got the small talk in me. I barely talk as it is. Ive got nothing to say anymore. Feel like ive given up on life, if im honest. Don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm so lost. I ...

Was meant to be meeting up with a few friends today, but i really dont feel like it. So ive cancelled. Ive forced myself to shower and wash my hair, can't remember the last time I washed my hair. Think it was a week ago. Keep thinking of going short with it, im really contemplating it. Ive dried it and run the straighteners through it. I fucking hate my hair! I hate me. I hate everything about myself. I couldnt tell you one thing i like about myself. How sad is that? I think about my father and son everyday, is this normal? I feel like im losing my mind. Its all day, everyday. They're always on my mind. Its killing me. Grief is killing me. Why am I isolating myself? I know im doing it, but why am I doing it? Telling my friends i won't be meeting them. I'm fully aware that im doing it, i just dont know why. I just sit in this house staring at my sons ashes on the fire place. I go bed and see my dad's ashes. I know in my heart its not healthy, but what am I suppose to...

My brother came yesterday and he was non stop talking about himself and his job for what seemed like forever. He realised, stopped talking and then asked about my life.. I had nothing to say. We laughed about the fact I had nothing to say, but in reality, its pretty sad. My life is like groundhog day. Fighting everyday to stay alive. Its fucking exhausting! Just seen a post on Facebook that said, what if living is all a dream and when we die, we wake up. I wish this was all a bad dream, but I know its not. It would be nice if when we died we actually woke up. My life is like a bad dream. I'm so depressed. I can't wait to die. Christmas is in a few weeks, ive hardly brought anything and I already can't wait for it to be over and done with. Christmas isn't the same anymore since one of my children died. I'm heartbroken. I'm tired of life, im tired of fighting depression everyday. I'm convinced one day it will kill me. How many more years can I live like this? ...

Not taken Jesse school today. We woke up and Jesse said he didn't want go school, so I thought nor do I, so we went back to sleep. Don't judge me. Some days i just dont feel like doing life. My sister has just left, shes been here a few hours. She's not been my house in forever, so it was nice to see her. Since shes split up with her partner of 16 years, we've seen and heard from her more. My brother has been on face time through wattsapp so it was like we were all together haha. My brother hates missing out. Anyway, I dont feel too bad today, probably because my sister has been to visit. She says she suffers with anxiety too, which made me feel better. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me, and then I remind myself that my son and dad are dead, and I had cancer.. ever likely my head is fucked! I'm desperately trying to find myself, but im having no luck. I think the old me has gone forever and im living this new version of myself. My whole world has b...

I'm not doing good, mentally speaking. I'm tired of life. I wish I could just kill myself if im honest. Tired of grief and depression. Feel like they're slowly killing me off. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, could of easily stayed in bed cuddled up with Jesse, but I know come 11am he starts to do my head in and I sit wishing I'd of taken him school haha. Love him to bits, but I love the break when he's at school. Jensen gave me £90 last night to help me. Christmas is killing me financially, so for him to give me some money made my heart melt. Tell you what, my life might be a mess, but one thing I got right is how ive brought my children up. They're polite, well mannered boys and they make me so proud to be their mum. My reasons to live. Everything I do is for them. When suicide crosses my mind, which it does most days, I think of my boys not having a mother, a brother and a grandfather. I just couldnt do it to them. Who knows, one day depression...

Wanted to kill myself this morning. Thought about it, and then snapped myself out of it. For a second I thought about killing myself. I keep asking myself, why am I still here? How am I getting through each day? Where is my strength coming from? I'll be honest, i dont know. I dont know why I keep going, well I do, its the thought of leaving my kids with no mother. The only reason im not dead already, is because I couldnt bare the thought of my kids feeling the way I feel after losing my father and son. The pain I feel, I just couldnt bare it if my sons felt this way. They are my reason to keep going. I'd love nothing more than to end my own life, but I simply can't do it. I'm tired though, im emotionally drained from grieving. Its a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. I went out with my friends yesterday, I had a lovely few hours. Wanted to tell them how depressed I was, but I couldnt find the words. Didn't want to ruin our day out. Its easier to just blog a...

Yesterday was 5 years for my dad. My brother came down for the day and we talked about dad and the memories we have of him. I'm just broken hearted. How have I made it through the last 5 years? Dad's death, me having cancer and then my son dies.. how am I still here? Ive got up this morning and showered, had to force myself to shower. Depression is horrible. I'm going a Christmas fare with 3 of my friends soon. Don't really feel like going, but im going to force myself to get out of this house. Its at Ford Green Hall. Ive just been looking at a canvas on my wall of my boys and my heart breaks that Jay-Dee is no longer here. I just want to see my dad and son again. I just wish I was dead. This isn't living. Forcing myself to do stuff when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I'm doing it for my boys. Ive got no motivation, im not looking forward to Christmas. I'm spending money i haven't got. I'll be glad when its over if im honest. I'm sic...

5 years tomorrow since my dad's death. 19 months he fought for his life whilst Esophageal cancer starved him to death infront of my eyes. Watching someone you love deteriorate everyday is the worst thing ever. I was and still am a daddy's girl. My father was my best friend. I never went a day without seeing my dad and then he was gone forever. The pain I feel inside is horrible. I could cry. It doesnt get easier, you just learn to carry grief better. I was trying to get better, but my sons death has sent me back into dark grief. I feel so lonely without my dad. We did everything together. He really was my best friend and I miss him so much. I pray that my dad is looking after my son for me. I feel like shit today. Mentally drained. Grief is tiring. Everyone seems to be getting on with their lives, moving forward and im stuck in grief. Its horrible. I wish my life was all a bad dream, but its not and it kills me inside. Can't believe its been over a year since my child tragi...

Ended up going my friends last night to 2 of my friends and had my tea cooked for me. Lobby and crusty bread, was lovely. Today ive been to a remembrance craft afternoon at Jesse's school where we've made a poppy wreath. I love doing activities with Jesse, it slaps me in the face to make me realise why im fighting for my life. I'm doing it for my boys. We were given little prayer cards to write a prayer on and put in the prayer box the school has. Jesse wanted to pray for grandad and Jay-Dee, so we wrote their names on the card and posted it in the prayer box. How lovely that Jesse wanted to pray for his brother and grandad. Jesse's been having bereavement counselling on a Wednesday with Dove Bereavement. I had counselling with them after my dad died and its really helped. One thing I took from my counselling with them, is that you go through many stages of grief, from anger to sorrow and I learned that you can keep going back to stages youve already been through, and i...

My heart really isn't in Christmas since Jay-Dee passed away. Everyday is a battle to stay alive. I just wish I was dead. Its so sad. I'm depressed everyday. Ive been the cafe to see my friends. I have to force myself to go. Rachael wants me go hers tonight for a catch up but I really can not be bothered. I'm happy just sitting on my own. Ive become too comfortable with being alone. Some times I want to be in a relationship and some times, im just content on my own. Jesse and my dog sleep with me. I have no room for a partner haha. I love my cuddles off Jesse. Hes my last baby so im making the most of it. I'm currently watching my dog and kitten play together. My dog is finally getting use to Sol. Its hard work having a kitten, dont know what I was thinking, but I love him so much already. Hes only 6 weeks old this week. Didn't think I could love another pet as much as I love my pug, but I do. My kitten is so bloody cute. Ive started my Christmas shopping but if im ...

Didn't take Jesse school today. Didn't want to get out of bed, but i had to so I could feed the kitten. Yesterday Sicily, my pug, was unsure about Sol, but today shes been loads better. She's been playing with him. Its sweet to watch them together. We're still watching them carefully incase Sicily snaps at him. Had to force myself to shower earlier. I'm having a shit day. Definitely getting up early tomorrow and back to the school run and see my friend's. Just not feeling life today. Can't wait go back bed. My kitten is 6 weeks this week, I need to register him with a vet to get him nueted and chipped. Not sure how old they have to be. I'll ring tomorrow and enquire. I'm currently watching a Christmas film with Jesse, we've had a chrismassy afternoon watching movies. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, not the same anymore since my father and son passed away. My hearts not in it. I'll cook a Christmas dinner, but that's about it. Iv...

Had the best night last night with my brother and sister. We had fireworks at Ashley's place and it was so nice us all being together having fun with the kids. Today Jensen, Jesse and myself have been to Pets At Home to buy everything for our new kitten we've had called Sol. We went KFC and then collected our kitten. My Pug Sicily is still getting use to him, Sol is in a cage and we keep getting him out so Sicily gets use to him. Hes only 5 weeks old. When did I turn into an animal person? Mentally, im doing ok today. Had a few moments here and there, but snapped myself out of it. Just waiting for Jasper to arrive for his sleepover, he's going to love sol. Ive tanned my face and hands which ill shower off in the morning. Its also hair wash day, I hate it. The thought of having to wash my hair makes me not want to wash it. Its because im losing that much hair with going through the Menopause, it adds to my depression. Keep thinking about going short, life would be so much ea...

Pulled my Christmas decorations out today, they're still in the bag. Ive not put them up. Was thinking it might make me feel a bit better putting them up for Jesse, and then I think about my son not being here and my heart isn't in it. I know ill have to put them up at some point for the kids. Just pulled my boys stocking out that go along the fire place. All matching, they're lovely. I'll always put the 4 up every year because I know Jay-Dee is still with me. I know my dad is. My guardian angels. Since my dad and son passed away life became so different. I see things differently, I appreciate things more. I know how easily life can be taken away. I worry more about my boys since Jay-Dees death. I couldnt bare to lose another child and I know it happens. I'm on groups on Facebook about losing a child/son and i see people posting about losing 2 plus children. The thought of losing another child haunts me. Let's change the subject. Anyway, im ok today. Always sad,...

A wave of grief has just hit me. Saw a tiktok I made of Jay-Dee on my memories and I felt the sadness course through my body like a shiver. Weird feeling. Hey, at least I had a few good hours.. Feel like shit again. Fuck my life! So sick of feeling like this. Anyway, its ok to feel sad, just dont stay there too long. So ive just got up and put a chicken in the oven. Going make me and the boys, chicken and stuffing baps for tea. I'm ok. Ive got this. Just need to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. I'm feeling stronger today. I'm trying my best to live with grief. Some days are so hard, as you know from my blogs, but some days, like today, im carrying it better. Grief hits me every single day. Not a day goes by where I dont think of my father and son. Not a single day. Now that's heavy on the heart. Every day I feel like Ive been punched in the stomach. It really is horrible. Trying to stay positive so I messaged my friend and said I'd nip hers tomorrow night and she...

Feel so much better today, but it is only 10am so that could change, but upto now im ok. Ive been the cafe see my friends, had a cup of tea and actually engaged in conversation. Ive been Asda do some shopping and now im back home. Its raining and miserable outside.  Thank God i feel better today. Its been a rough few weeks mentally. When youre stuck in a depressive episode, its hard to see a way out. I have to tell myself that tomorrow might be better. Its so hard when you have suicidal thoughts. When im low all I think about is dying, its horrible. I'm still sad, but i feel better in myself. Just brought myself a festive candle, mulled wine and cinnamon. My house is going to smell lovely. I'm going go clean my bedroom and bathroom I think. Jesse's room needs hoovering too, but Jensen is still in bed so that'll have to wait an hour or so. Not gone trauma therapy today. Don't think im ready mentally. All the weeks ive been going, i couldnt tell you a thing about it. ...

Feel deflated today, dont know if its the 7am alarm this morning or the fact that my father and son are dead. I think its the latter. Went the cafe this morning and just couldnt be bothered with the conversation. Didn't go my dentist appointment. Just not in the mood to do anything. I went the butchers and brought a joint of beef that's been slow cooking for hours, so made Jensen a beef, stuffing and gravy bap for his dinner. Hes working from home today. Jasper came for a couple of hours as he had free time at college. Hes just gone back. I feel better than I felt yesterday that's for sure. Dreaming of Jay-Dee really affected me. I miss him so much. In 12 days it will be 5 years since my dad's death. 5 years!?! How have I made it through the last 5 years? Ive been in such a bad place mentally, i still am. I'm just devastated. I'm so tired. Ive just hoovered because Jesse and i made pizzas yesterday on puff pastry and I could see bits of pastry everywhere, plus i...

Ok, im alot calmer now. I forced myself to get dressed, I got Jesse dressed and we walked to the barbers to get him a back to school hair cut. We've been Asda to buy stuff to make pizzas. Jesse's idea. So we came home and we've made pizzas. Jesse's loved it and i feel so much better. God im so glad ive gotten out of the house, felt like I was going insane. I'm still sad about being alive, but im not suicidal now. Thank you Jesus. still heartbroken, but im so thankful Jesus gave me the strength to leave the house with Jesse. I prayed for strength. Just reaffirmed my faith. Thank god. My head was all over the place this morning, questioning my faith, missing my son, missing my father. Still the same now, but I feel alot better in myself. Anyway, just wanted let you know, im ok, im still alive. Is today and EUPD day? Diagnosis makes sense some times. 

Dreamt about Jay-Dee last night, pissed off that I woke up. Just want to be with him. Its made me feel like shit waking up and he's not here. When will this get better? I can't take it anymore. I'm so heartbroken. Waking up has ruined my day. I'm in a shitty mood and im trying snap myself out of it. I could cry. I just want my son back. I'm so fed up. Can't even remember my dream now, i just know i saw my son. Its only dinner time and I already want to go back bed. Meant be meeting a few friends for a catch up, but im honestly not in the mood to do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. I can't do this anymore, I feel like ending my life. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, im tired. I am mentally exhausted. So fucking tired of being alive. I'm in a foul mood today. Just had to fill 2 forms in online ready for my dentist appointment tomorrow and its pissed me off. I'm just pissed off today. I'm angry at the world!! I just want my child back. I ...

Today im feeling thankful, im trying to be positive. I'm thankful first of all that im still alive because depression is horrendous. I ask myself everyday how ive made it through another day. Life's hard work for me. I'm thankful for my living children. The reasons I get up every morning. My Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John. I miss Jay-Dee more than anything in the world, im thankful for having him in my life for 21 years. I'm tearing up. My first born son, gone forever. God my heart aches for my child. I'll never understand why he killed himself, I just can't wait to see him again. I really am thankful that ive made it through another day. Forced myself to shower today and wash my hair because its been days since ive showered. I know, gross right? Depression is destroying me. Grief is killing me slowly. I try to be positive, but im forcing it. I just want to lie in bed and scream! I dont want to participate in life, im forcing something that isn't working. I...