November 23rd Sunday.

Was meant to be meeting up with a few friends today, but i really dont feel like it. So ive cancelled. Ive forced myself to shower and wash my hair, can't remember the last time I washed my hair. Think it was a week ago. Keep thinking of going short with it, im really contemplating it. Ive dried it and run the straighteners through it. I fucking hate my hair! I hate me. I hate everything about myself. I couldnt tell you one thing i like about myself. How sad is that? I think about my father and son everyday, is this normal? I feel like im losing my mind. Its all day, everyday. They're always on my mind. Its killing me. Grief is killing me. Why am I isolating myself? I know im doing it, but why am I doing it? Telling my friends i won't be meeting them. I'm fully aware that im doing it, i just dont know why. I just sit in this house staring at my sons ashes on the fire place. I go bed and see my dad's ashes. I know in my heart its not healthy, but what am I suppose to do? I can't scatter them, because then they'd be gone forever. I know they're both safe with me. God life is so fucking hard. Its been 5 years for my dad and im still devastated over his death. I dont know how im suppose to live like this for the rest of my time on earth. I can't do this anymore. I know my kids need me, but im so fucking tired of feeling like this. I can't wait to see my psychiatrist so I can tell her that ive had enough. I'm tired of having intrusive thoughts. I want to feel normal. I want to feel happiness. Can't kill myself can I, the boys need me..