November 14th Friday.

5 years tomorrow since my dad's death. 19 months he fought for his life whilst Esophageal cancer starved him to death infront of my eyes. Watching someone you love deteriorate everyday is the worst thing ever. I was and still am a daddy's girl. My father was my best friend. I never went a day without seeing my dad and then he was gone forever. The pain I feel inside is horrible. I could cry. It doesnt get easier, you just learn to carry grief better. I was trying to get better, but my sons death has sent me back into dark grief. I feel so lonely without my dad. We did everything together. He really was my best friend and I miss him so much. I pray that my dad is looking after my son for me. I feel like shit today. Mentally drained. Grief is tiring. Everyone seems to be getting on with their lives, moving forward and im stuck in grief. Its horrible. I wish my life was all a bad dream, but its not and it kills me inside. Can't believe its been over a year since my child tragically passed away. My heart is broken. I'm sad today. Why won't I just die. I hate being alive. I'm angry that my father and son and both dead. Why my father and son? Why has this happened? Why can't I deal with death the way other people do? I look around at the world and everyone is living their life and then there's me, consumed by grief. Its suffocating some days. I have a few good days, but the rest of the days im drowning in grief. I'm in the mood to listen to sad music and cry in bed, but I can't. I need to stay strong for my boys. Another day of hanging on by a thread....