November 1st Saturday.

Today im feeling thankful, im trying to be positive. I'm thankful first of all that im still alive because depression is horrendous. I ask myself everyday how ive made it through another day. Life's hard work for me. I'm thankful for my living children. The reasons I get up every morning. My Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John. I miss Jay-Dee more than anything in the world, im thankful for having him in my life for 21 years. I'm tearing up. My first born son, gone forever. God my heart aches for my child. I'll never understand why he killed himself, I just can't wait to see him again. I really am thankful that ive made it through another day. Forced myself to shower today and wash my hair because its been days since ive showered. I know, gross right? Depression is destroying me. Grief is killing me slowly. I try to be positive, but im forcing it. I just want to lie in bed and scream! I dont want to participate in life, im forcing something that isn't working. I'm forcing myself to be happy, to wear a smile and its fucking tiring. I'm so fucking mentally tired. I'm drained. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world. I really am only alive today because my children wouldnt cope with losing a grandfather,  a brother and then their mother. I couldnt do it to them. It would destroy them. So I have no choice but to live this horrible life ive got no choice to live. How am I not dead already? How have I not hit the bottle? How am I doing this? Honestly, ive not got a clue. I dont know how im still going. I feel burnt out. Ive got a digital photo frame next to Jay-Dees urn. Damian brought it me and put pics on of the 4 boys growing up, through the years. What a thoughtful person to do something so special. I find myself often sat starting at the photos as they come on the screen. Beautiful memories that ill cherish forever. When I see the photos with Jay-Dee on growing up, my heartbreaks. I dont know how ill ever come back from losing my child. I was already broken from losing my dad. I can't see a future with me in it. I'm so sad inside, im just so fed up with life. Somethings got to give, im desperate to feel happiness. Don't get me wrong, im grateful for all I have, but I just feel so empty inside. Pieces of me are in heaven and it kills me inside.