November 3rd Monday.

Feel deflated today, dont know if its the 7am alarm this morning or the fact that my father and son are dead. I think its the latter. Went the cafe this morning and just couldnt be bothered with the conversation. Didn't go my dentist appointment. Just not in the mood to do anything. I went the butchers and brought a joint of beef that's been slow cooking for hours, so made Jensen a beef, stuffing and gravy bap for his dinner. Hes working from home today. Jasper came for a couple of hours as he had free time at college. Hes just gone back. I feel better than I felt yesterday that's for sure. Dreaming of Jay-Dee really affected me. I miss him so much. In 12 days it will be 5 years since my dad's death. 5 years!?! How have I made it through the last 5 years? Ive been in such a bad place mentally, i still am. I'm just devastated. I'm so tired. Ive just hoovered because Jesse and i made pizzas yesterday on puff pastry and I could see bits of pastry everywhere, plus i dropped a jar of herbs out of the cupboard and it went everywhere. Hoovering was a must today. I'm just doing a wash now and that's it. Ive got trauma therapy tomorrow and i just can't be bothered at all. I feel like giving up on life. Ive not got the energy for life. Can't wait for Jesse to get in from school, i miss him. I was sat in the cafe this morning and he walked through with a group and his teacher, he came straight to me and gave me a hug. I needed that hug. Jasper said he couldnt sleep last night because he was thinking of Jay-Dee. My heart breaks for the boys, they're going through this too. I wish I could take their pain away. I dont know how to come back from the death of my child. 

This time 5 years ago, days before my father's death, I shaved all my hair off. I lost my mind and ive been trying to find it ever since. 5 years ive been struggling with life and for the life of me, I can't understand how im still alive. God has a plan for me, ive just got to ride it out. Just got to keep pushing everyday.