November 19th Wednesday.

I'm not doing good, mentally speaking. I'm tired of life. I wish I could just kill myself if im honest. Tired of grief and depression. Feel like they're slowly killing me off. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, could of easily stayed in bed cuddled up with Jesse, but I know come 11am he starts to do my head in and I sit wishing I'd of taken him school haha. Love him to bits, but I love the break when he's at school. Jensen gave me £90 last night to help me. Christmas is killing me financially, so for him to give me some money made my heart melt. Tell you what, my life might be a mess, but one thing I got right is how ive brought my children up. They're polite, well mannered boys and they make me so proud to be their mum. My reasons to live. Everything I do is for them. When suicide crosses my mind, which it does most days, I think of my boys not having a mother, a brother and a grandfather. I just couldnt do it to them. Who knows, one day depression might win and ill end my life, but that's not going to happen today. Got to stay strong and keep pushing through the hard days. Everyday seems to be a hard day though. My friend Rachael is coming tonight. Can I be bothered? Nope. Have to force myself to socialise. Not enjoying being alive one bit. Going my brothers Friday night with my sister. We had such a good night together when we did fireworks, so we're all meeting up again. Looking forward to it. The weather's gone cold now hasn't it? I'm freezing. Anyway, im going make myself and Jensen some breakfast. Sausage & cheese muffins.