November 16th Sunday.

Yesterday was 5 years for my dad. My brother came down for the day and we talked about dad and the memories we have of him. I'm just broken hearted. How have I made it through the last 5 years? Dad's death, me having cancer and then my son dies.. how am I still here? Ive got up this morning and showered, had to force myself to shower. Depression is horrible. I'm going a Christmas fare with 3 of my friends soon. Don't really feel like going, but im going to force myself to get out of this house. Its at Ford Green Hall. Ive just been looking at a canvas on my wall of my boys and my heart breaks that Jay-Dee is no longer here. I just want to see my dad and son again. I just wish I was dead. This isn't living. Forcing myself to do stuff when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I'm doing it for my boys. Ive got no motivation, im not looking forward to Christmas. I'm spending money i haven't got. I'll be glad when its over if im honest. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel. I'm so fed up of living this shit life. Finally washed my hair this morning after not washing it for 2 weeks. I HATE my hair. Tempted shave it all off again. This time 5 years ago I shaved all my hair off. Just days before my dad passed away. I had a breakdown. It came up on my memories today. Ive come so far, yet I dont feel any better. I stopped going trauma therapy, it wasn't helping me. God im so fucking depressed! I could cry, but I have to stay strong. Can't be bothered to go out today, not feeling it at all. I know it will do me good that's why im forcing myself to go. I'll let you know how it goes.