November 22nd Saturday.

My brother came yesterday and he was non stop talking about himself and his job for what seemed like forever. He realised, stopped talking and then asked about my life.. I had nothing to say. We laughed about the fact I had nothing to say, but in reality, its pretty sad. My life is like groundhog day. Fighting everyday to stay alive. Its fucking exhausting! Just seen a post on Facebook that said, what if living is all a dream and when we die, we wake up. I wish this was all a bad dream, but I know its not. It would be nice if when we died we actually woke up. My life is like a bad dream. I'm so depressed. I can't wait to die. Christmas is in a few weeks, ive hardly brought anything and I already can't wait for it to be over and done with. Christmas isn't the same anymore since one of my children died. I'm heartbroken. I'm tired of life, im tired of fighting depression everyday. I'm convinced one day it will kill me. How many more years can I live like this? Ive been depressed for as long as i can remember, when my dad died, my depression plummeted. Losing a child is one of the hardest things ive had to live with. It kills me inside daily. Why my son and dad? Why didn't cancer just kill me? Why the fuck am I still alive? So many questions, zero answers. Honestly if I didn't have my other children, I'd be dead already.