November 24th Monday.

Wasn't going go the cafe this morning. I watched Jesse go in and headed off the school grounds. Saw my friend and she said was I going the craft group that's on this morning. Long story short, I left the school at half 10. We made Christmas cards to sell at the Christmas fare. Actually enjoyed it. Jasper came home at lunch time and spent the afternoon with me, which was nice. Then this evening ive been to see 2 of my friends for a catch up. Really pushed myself today. I feel drained from faking my smile all day. Its hard work trying to act like youre ok. When I was with my friends this evening, they were talking about who they're dating etc and I just sat there thinking to myself, am I going to be alone forever? Ive got no interest in meeting anyone. I'm too tired, mentally. Haven't got the small talk in me. I barely talk as it is. Ive got nothing to say anymore. Feel like ive given up on life, if im honest. Don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm so lost. I dont know who I am anymore. As long as my boys are ok, that's the only thing I care about. Ive not got a care in the world for myself anymore. Ive given up I think. Life has got to get better. I can't live like this anymore. Depression is killing me. I wouldnt care if I dropped down dead tomorrow. I should try and be thankful. Don't get me wrong, I feel some happiness getting to see my kids another day, but omg do I wish I'd of died in my sleep. Ive got a love hate relationship with life. I love being able see my children another day, but I hate the fact that ive got to live this life. Just got to keep pushing through. Got to make it through the day. I'm doing it. I'm pushing myself everyday. I just won't give up this fight.